Angie Nussey
Your Subtitle text
Angie's Journal 2008
December 13th, 2008

The shoe salesman

I recently had to buy a pair of shoes to match a bridesmaid’s dress. I figured I would probably not wear the shoes many times so I was being a bit choosy about them …trying to pair the cost with the style. My first stop was a privately owned shoe store on Bloor St. the storeowner and myself were the only two people in the store. Needless to say, I immediately wanted to support this business. So, I start looking and noticing that his shoes are waaaay out of my price range. I tell the owner about this and he says things like “well, you pick the shoes and we’ll see what we can do about the price.” He says other things that nearly make me laugh out loud like what beautiful feet and legs I have and that I must have a man who loves me… and that he can tell. This would be fine if my feet and legs looking hadn’t looked so sasquatch-like at the time (I was actually quite embarrassed wondering when was the last time I had given my legs and feet a good once over).
Anyway, I know business is tough and each person develops ways to sell….and this was his. So we carry on our business of me buying and him selling. We start talking about price and it turns out he’s willing to cut his price in half for any pair of shoes he has on the racks (this makes sense since that’s approximately what they’re worth). So finally I decide that I’m going to shop a little more in other stores before committing to buying the shoes from this one. Immediately the storeowner says if I decide to come back and buy later, the shoes will cost $20 more than if I buy them right now. I can’t stand pressure like that so I said “well then we’ll cross that bridge when I come back.” He starts to get a bit more frustrated at me and says I won’t find a better pair of shoes for that price in the city. I explain that I believe it’s the truth but his price is still more than I had planned to pay and I’d like a little time to think about it. He starts getting even more worked up and raises his voice saying things like “I just need you to be honest with me! What’s keeping you from buying those shoes? Just be honest with me?!” I become a bit shocked at this aggression towards me and I blurt out something like “You’re telling me that unless I buy these shoes right at this moment, I will not be able to return and find them at the same price and I’m uncomfortable with the pressure of it. It’s a bit manipulative.” The storeowner started screaming at me “GET OUT, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES LIKE THAT ANYWHERE IN THIS CITY!!” I couldn’t believe it. I put the shoes on the counter and got the heck out of there. 

I felt quite shaken as I wasn’t prepared for an encounter like that. As I shopped for other shoes I started think that the shoes I had found at the first store actually WERE really great. But I’ll be damned if I ever go back there again even if they were the best shoes in the world. I found another store with another owner who was this sweet old woman. She gave me a great deal on the shoes and told me if I found something somewhere else that I liked better, she would give me a refund on the ones I had bought. They might not have been better shoes, but I was quite happy to buy them. 

You know sometimes when couples break up and there’s that one person who ends up telling the other that they will never find another person better than them? And for a brief second, the other person believes it? I will now tell them that there are plenty of shoes in the city : )


December 7th, 2008
Dolly Parton

I don’t know if I’ve ever documented this, but I LOVE Dolly Parton. My love for her started growing last year when I realized how many amazing songs she’d written. I became fascinated by her talent mixed with her other worldly look. I think she’s one of those people who want to dazzle you with her appearance, but who truly craves to be understood as the person she is. It is a contradiction that so many of us have. Hers is just really dramatic. Her longevity, business savvy, and charm amaze me. She truly is one of a kind.

Aaaanyway, I turned 32 in November. Two weeks before my birthday, Q persuaded me to join him on a little road trip up towards Bracebridge. He had convinced that we had to take care of the family dog whose babysitter had fallen ill. We arrived at a hotel near Casinorama a few hours later. What a surprise! It was a wonderful way to ring in my 32nd year. Dolly was exactly how I thought she’d be live: otherworldly, dazzling, and amazing!




October 26th, 2008
Daredevils

I used to think that people who participated in things like sky-diving and heli-skiing were the bravest and coolest people ever. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be seen as “brave.” As I get older, my opinion of these things has changed. There is now a big difference in what I see as “adventurous” and what I see as “brave.” I realize that the bravest things I’ve ever witnessed or experienced have been conversations. And the most courageous people in the world do not have to jump out of airplanes to prove themselves. I now think about those people who decided, despite childhood pressures, that they did not want to take the bungee jump, or the white water rafting trip. They may have been less adventurous, but they were certainly not less courageous.

I’m thinking about this because of the book “Eat. Pray. Love.” where Elizabeth Gilbert talks about these brave people who come to an Ashram in India and spend weeks, and sometimes months without speaking a word. They come in search of  “the supreme energy of the Divine.” And I am in agreement with her - it is a truly brave thing to be left alone with just yourself on a search within yourself.

I, sometimes have a hard time reading about other people’s spiritual journeys from their own perspective. It’s not that I don’t believe them, it’s just that it seems to me that there is still more soul searching to be done. The people I look up to are the ones who teach by example… and who say very little. I believe that if you truly can find yourself, then there is no need to explain yourself, or your experience to anyone. I want to be that person. I want to be so developed and centered that I can help people just be standing in their presence or by holding their hand. I say this because these people have helped me many times.

We look up to writers and musicians and athletes as though they are heroes who can change the world, and they do …for better or worse. But I see them differently now. I see them as people struggling with the feeling of being lost or disconnected. The people who live humbly and want for nothing and find happiness within nature are the ones who we should be naming as heroes. I think there will come a day when our mentality shifts so much that the humble, happy people WILL be our role models. It will be a wonderful day.

I’ve been analyzing addictions lately. I’m curious about the adrenaline junky vs. the heroin junky vs. the negative thought junky (like me). I’ve thought a lot about the saying “an alcoholic is always an alcoholic.” I know someone who, after 28 years of sobriety, still has to attend AA meetings to prevent them from slipping. It’s strange to realize that a thought pattern addiction is equivalent to all the rest. I attend AA meetings of my own when I start slipping. Thankfully I have Q to help, but I also have a couple of good friends who know this pattern and have their own, special techniques to help me with my cravings. I call them cravings because that’s what I equate them to. Strangely, us negative thought junkies actually WANT to feel negative the way a heroin junky wants to feel high. We know it’s bad for us. We know it hurts us and those people around us. We know it prevents us from achieving our dreams, but for whatever reason we want that feeling. Perhaps it’s because we feel more connected to the universe while in that super-sensitive sad state. Perhaps it’s safer to wallow in our own self-sadness then to be expected to bring happiness into the world. Some people think it’s because we don’t feel like we deserve to be happy….like a sort of guilt and punishment thing. I’m not really sure.  Whatever the reason, the battle is always a fear of becoming too weak and slipping back into your addiction again. My alcoholic friend has no problem with people drinking around him or having beer in the fridge. He knows he can trust himself and he’s very proud of that. I’m sure, when he was in de-tox and rehab, he would not have been able to handle knowing that cold beer is in the fridge. Negative thought junkies are the same only our cravings are to read certain books/ websites / emails, listen to (or sing) certain songs, and hang around certain people (which can be very challenging to let go of while in re-hab.) Whatever it takes to invoke that feeling of sadness. Adrenaline junkies have much the same problem only it’s reversed and it’s much more socially acceptable. Nonetheless, I believe that anyone who can’t rest and be content is still struggling to find that inner peace…that “supreme energy of the Divine.”

Just thoughts to ponder on a Sunday afternoon….



October 14th, 2008

Here I am in our humble, one-bedroom apartment.
Laying on the bed typing on this here computer.

There are a lot of new things on my mind these days….
I was reading “The Alchemist” this week.
It’s basically about realizing your “Personal Journey” and stopping at nothing to fulfill your dreams.
The idea is that you can only fulfill your dreams if you listen to your heart which is connected to the “soul of the earth.” But as you deny your dreams, your heart speaks more softly so as not to make you feel worse about chasing your dreams.

It seems to be a big topic with friends and family I encounter these days. Dreams.

When I was 25 my goal in life was to wake up happy and to go to sleep happy every day.
My friends and my mom said that I seem to write all my best songs when I’m feeling sad. I remember arguing that if it meant that I would end up writing happy children’s songs for the rest of my life, I’d be okay with it if it meant that I would be happy. I was a very sad person … especially before bed, but even more waking up.

There’s this movie called “What the bleep do we know.” It’s about the law of attraction and it talks about how we create our own reality. This was a concept that was talked about by a few different people when I was young, but it was such a hard concept to understand. I believe that the big change that will come to this earth will be on an individual yet connected level and that individually controlled thoughts will be the main catalyst.



October 10th, 2008

There was a time in my life when I absolutely hated to be in the sun without sunglasses. It wasn’t because I was afraid of the damage the sun can do to your eyes. It was because I didn’t want to squint. I was worried that the squinting would cause me to have more wrinkles around my eyes and I wanted to prevent that. I was worried that I would be less attractive that way. Subconsciously I thought that this would decrease my chances of keeping a man as I aged. It sounds crazy, but for most of my life, I really didn’t know what it was to be loved for who you are. Lately I find myself wearing my sunglasses on my head because I want to see the world for all it’s amazing colours.

October is nice.

August 8th, 2008

I know good hot chocolate.
No, really.
I’ve tried hot chocolate from all corners of the world. From all restaurants, coffee shops, and vending machines.
My favorite of all times is Van Houtte. They serve it on the Chi-chi Maun.
Last trip over, the hot chocolate machine was broken…..I was SO upset. It was one of those moments when I felt I couldn’t truly show my disappointment because, to most people, it would have been without a strong enough reason.

At home, I make my own hot chocolate by taking pure cocoa and mixing it with cane sugar. If I’m feeling saucy, I’ll add some chocolate almond milk, and lately I’ve taken to making a small pot of really weak, de-caf, coffee and mixing it into my hot chocolate.
Sure the process isn’t simple and quick….but good things usually aren’t.

Here I am at the terminal for the Chi chi Maun. Waiting for the boat to take me over to Manitoulin Island. What a summer it has been!

It’s a funny thing how I am able to measure my personal growth by coming back to the same place every summer and gauging how I feel.

I can’t easily remember the feelings I had in the summers before, but I know they weren’t always positive. Even as I awoke this morning, I had an old twitch of feeling sad and having absolutely no reason to feel that way. Strange.

 I heard a motivational speaker once say that there is a phenomenon where people who win millions of dollars in a lottery will often have approximately one year of extreme happiness, but in general, after that year, they end up exactly as happy as they were before winning all that money.

That’s not what I want to happen to me….even though I didn’t, and probably never will win the lottery.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



June 2nd, 2008

Woman of the Future.

It seems like worlds ago since I wrote my last journal entry.
My friends have been emailing and phoning to check and see if I’m okay? I’ve been saying “what are you talking about” and their reply is that I wrote this journal entry that made me seem upset and depressed.

Well I’d better fix that.

I did feel quite down when Nickie left Whelan’s. And I know I’m not the only one.

But it promoted change…..change that has been coming for a long time.

When I spoke to a performer friend about my situation, he got all riled up about the fact that I’m lucky I can even make a living as a performer!! And it’s true, but I have been feeling like there’s something different in store for me.

This has been a VERY strange couple of months.

Q has been helping me a lot this year. Since the release of “Little Tragedies” there has been a lot of work to be done in order to tour and promote this album.

Up until a week ago, Q worked as the GM of an advertising agency here in Toronto. He was extremely successful at it and I can see why. He has this incredible ability to keep focused on the main objectives when he works. He can concentrate on something longer than anyone I know. But I think what makes him such a strong leader is that he does more listening than talking and he asks concise and important questions. His questions often steer you into making decisions on your own and feeling good about them. It’s empowering. He never offers opinions or advice unless asked and I’ve been amazed at how valuable they seem to be when you do ask.

All in all, I couldn’t pick a better business partner and I’ve joked about this, quite often over the past few months.

To make a long story short, much to my surprise, the brave soul quit his job to form a record label with me called “Hope Café Records.” Our plan is to have our own little café one day, but for now….music is the focus. We discussed different possibilities of him simply helping me on the side and saving our cash, but he lives for the present. And I love him for that.

We have talked a lot about our values over the past six months. I love what I do, but it involves a ton of travel and I don’t like being away from Q (nor does he like being away from me.) AAaaanyway, we are now going to see A LOT more of each other : ) Q wants to focus more on licensing opportunities for my songs. This is an area that I’ve never really looked into because there were always so many more momentary tasks at hand.

Today is day two of our new business.

So far it’s going well : )

Yesterday, we worked all day re-arranging our one-bedroom apartment so that I could have a private practice space in our bedroom and he could have a desk and filing cabinets in our living room. It’s an interesting looking apartment to say the least. But we love it.

It really is nice to have Q on my side ….and now on my team. He’s such an uplifting character. He’s one of those people who will be successful at whatever they do.

Sooooo, as part of this new endeavor, Q has been conditioning me to believe that: 1) I’m a successful Canadian Songwriter, and 2) I don’t have to perform cover songs in bars to make a living (unless I want to ).

Funny, but these two things are VERY hard for me to grasp…and just when I think I have them solid in my mind, I slip and forget and try to book an gig at an old, familiar venue.

A few weeks ago, I spent the day at a conference for young women (grade nine and ten). It was called “Women of the Future.” My friend, Sandi, had invited me to perform a couple of songs throughout the day. I thought this was easy enough. As the conference date came closer, I realized that my position in all this, was to be a role model for these young girls. And as the final day arrived, I realized that I was positioned, not as musical entertainment, but as an example of a person who was able to make a living doing what they love to do. Throughout the day I was asked questions about what I’d done, how I arrived here, and if it is difficult. And I heard myself saying that it’s a lot of work, but it doesn’t seem as difficult when you like what you’re doing. Seeing myself through all these young and hopeful eyes instantaneously changed how I saw myself. I’ve had a great time getting to where I’ve gotten, and now I’m going to step into a new area and see where it takes me. I have a great landing pad if I fall on my face. I can always perform the in the places I’ve been in for the past 10 years. But, for now, I’m ready to take a few steps in a different direction just to see what happens.

And so it begins.

June 26th will be my last night performing at one of my favorite bars: Whelan’s Gate. I will no longer be performing in bars after this (unless they are strictly geared towards singer / songwriters.) I will focus on performing more concert-like shows and private house concerts that feature my own music. There might be the odd night when I’ll need to return to some old places and some old, well-known songs, but for the most part, I have a new job as of June 26th. I’m a singer / songwriter ; )

I can just hear the “Chariots of Fire” theme playing in the background! Doo doo doo doo daaaa daaaa : )

The goal of the  “Women of the Future” conference was to send these young girls home with something, big or small, that will help to empower them. Who knew they would be the ones to empower me?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


April 12, 2008
Here I am in a wonderful little café in Owen Sound. My friend, Robin, has organized two, sold out shows at his restaurant: Rocky Raccoon’s. Last night’s show was wonderful. I’m thinking tonight will be the same. I really like the people around here. They seem to have lots of time to chat.

I’m a bit sad that I’m no longer going to Zimbabwe this month, but I’m relieved as well. My family and Q were not very happy that I would enter Zim at such a politically controversial time. I can totally understand. I’m just upset that I won’t be having that experience anymore.

I guess there will be other experiences instead….ones that I don’t have to take a 30 hr flight to get : )

Things have calmed since my last tour and the big CD release party. I feel like things are floating along well. I’m still on this kick to change the venues I have been performing at. I really don’t want to play cover songs anymore.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
March 29th, 2008
Today is a very strange day.
My good friend, Nickie, has left for England. She has been the Thursday night waitress at Whelan’s gate since I started playing there two years ago…. Or was it three? That’s what’s making this day so strange.

Last night was our last night to work together. I feel like we’ve been a team for these two or three years. I’m so happy to see her moving on and taking on her new career. She’s worked hard to get her Master’s Degree and she’s about to get a new job because of it.

I’m strangely shaken about my own career and the path I am embarking on these days. It’s become really easy to get gigs and play cover songs to drunken people all night. I’ve enjoyed myself and have felt comfortable doing this for a very long time. I love to make people happy and I love to entertain. … But I’m getting tired, and for a long time I’ve been saying that the entertainment career is not the path I want to follow forever. I guess, by Nickie’s example and ending, I’m feeling like it’s almost that time for me to have an ending as well.

The tour out west with Ben was eye opening. Ben’s been at this for 20 years now and he has no humour for entertainment shows.  (When I say entertainment shows, I mean the ones where the bar pays you to keep the crowd drinking and having a good time.) Ben is one of the best entertainer’s I’ve known personally…and one of the best songwriters. We had a series of shows booked around Alberta and B.C. and I noticed that when Ben was in a situation where music lovers sat quietly and listened to him, he shone brighter than I’ve ever seen before. He’s mastered the comfort of performing in front of  a listening audience. I have not mastered this at all. In fact, I’m completely self conscious and nervous in these types of venues (the ones I’m supposedly trying to bring myself to perform in). In noticing this difference, I began to learn from Ben. Just by watching him I learned a lot, but he also has a habit of offering advice when you don’t want to hear it. But this time, I really heard it. He told me that I always hurry through my stories as though I’m worried that people don’t have enough patience for them. I realized this is a true habit bred out of performing for mixed audiences of people who want to listen, but also of people who don’t have patience to hear me and just want to be entertained. With a little practice and some serious meditating before shows, I feel that I was able to find that comfortable place in front of a listening audience and once I found it (in our last two shows) it is really hard not to want more of it. I had three “bar” gigs this week and despite having good friends around and reconnecting, I haven’t enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed performing while I was on tour.


 Prior to starting my show last night, I was trying to set up the speakers and sound system while moving around the crowded people. One man was demanding that I mount the speaker as high as it would go (preferably from the ceiling). I started to politely explain that the room does not sound good with the speakers that high. He started to argue about it and I couldn’t contain my frustrations. I told him I would do what I want and that he knew absolutely nothing about sound!! Grrrr. He then told me I should start the show by playing guitar instead of keyboard. He was wearing a blue tooth while on a date (that pretty much says everything it needs to say). I felt like offering to shove my guitar up his ass. I noticed that his date left halfway through the night and he went looking for her, but I think she left the bar. He paid the tab and left alone. There was also a woman sitting at the front who frighteningly and degradingly asked me if I was going to play loudly and if she would be able to talk to her friend over the music. I felt like screaming: they actually pay me to perform here lady! Perhaps you should consider moving to the back of the room!! Grrrr. Why is it that the venue you perform in directly distinguishes how good of an artist are and why is that so few people can realize this? I’d love to perform at Whelan’s for the rest of my life! I love that room! But I can’t be treated this way. My music can’t be disrespected in this way. It hurts too much.

As  a special request, Nickie asked me to perform only my songs on her last night working at Whelan’s. For her sake, I did it…and I know many of my friends where proud of me for it, but the truth is, I didn’t want to play all my own songs last night. The bar was absolutely packed with amazing and happy people, but it was also so very loud. I put my earplug in to try to connect myself with the words, but it was almost too loud for that too. In situations like this, I’ve always preferred to play cover songs because it hurts to play my own songs to people who aren’t paying attention to them.

These are truths I’ve denied to myself for a long time.

The night ended early (thanks to the water being shut off for repairs). Q and I and his hockey team went out for a beer after the show. Brendan (my painful ex) was in the bar we went to. He didn’t see us and I did not say hello. I wondered what kind of additional thoughts about my past Fod was trying to bring to light. 

Today, this unbelievably strange day, I am connecting my past and realizing how intertwined my thought patterns have been in all aspects of my life. I’m realizing that you always get what you think you deserve. Q has made me realize how much I deserve to be loved and treated with respect and that I don’t have to feel bad about receiving such goodness. I don’t have to feel like bad things will happen to me as a repayment for all the good things that happen to me. With music and songwriting, I have not matured as quickly into that headspace. I have not felt worthy and deserving of respect for what I do. And so I have settled and been grateful for any venue that would have me. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to aim my boat towards situations that are more nurturing. There is no better time to make changes than right now. I’m terrified and excited. Where do I start?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 19th, 2008
    So much has been happening lately. It’s difficult to keep track. It has been an emotional and stressful time for me. I’ve felt a little like I’ve lost the important points about what I do and why I do it. I’ve been highly unproductive at a time when I feel like I need to be on the mark. I’ve put so much pressure on myself, treating this one CD release party as though it is my last and final hurrah. It has felt like any mistake I make or anything I forget to do is like the END OF THE WORLD!!
It’s embarrassing really. Since when did I become so egocentric? Since when did I develop these delusions of grandeur?

My dad and Mary came to visit last weekend. Q and I had them in our little shire. I treated them to some vegan meals and was teased about it. They came out to my show on Saturday night at Pogue Mahone’s. It was really busy that night, but the huge table right in front of me was a little hard to handle. I was just thankful no one mooned me like that last show my Dad and Mary were witness to at another bar : )
I ended up feeling quite down about everything once dad and Mary left. It all started with this moment, during the visit, when I played them one of my new songs and described a little bit of how I’d like to produce it. My dad’s response was to tell me a story about this amazing performer who got the crowd all excited by running around and clapping his hands and playing piano with one hand and how he stole the show and how I could do that. I felt like screaming. I know this is my dad’s way of saying he supports me and wants me to be the best I can be, but sometimes (in fact many times through my life) I’ve translated it into “you’re not good the way you are and so you should be like this.”

    I ended up in tears on the phone with my dad on Sunday. For the first time in my life, I explained how I had translated him. Of course he felt terrible about this. He told me he thought I was great and what I did was fantastic. I hated myself for being so weak as to need reassurance of acceptance from my dad. I felt like I still have a long way to go to get to that point where I shouldn’t need acceptance from anyone anymore.

    This thought carried my through this week. Why can’t I be happy with where I’m? Why do I have to drive myself into a frenzy over a chance that I may or may not get by releasing a CD? Since when did the one thing I did as a comfort and release (song-writing) become the stress causing factor?

    I looked back at some of the songs I’ve written lately. They sounded like uninspired crap. To many people, songwriting is a skilled form of art. It’s a skill that you work hard at and try to improve on. You listen to other songwriters, you go to workshops, you read books about how to become a better songwriter. I’ve tried many of these things and felt ashamed because I absolutely cannot force myself to write a song. I can’t pick a topic and just sit down and write about it. I blame it on lack of discipline, but why do I have excessive amounts of discipline for so many other things? You should see my expense records and tax returns!!! In addition to that, I’ve never really enjoyed “jamming” with other musicians. I’d rather talk to musicians than jam with them. I have come to accept the fact that I like to collect stories. And then go home and write them in private. 

In the past, my songs topics have been strongly associated with the men in my life. Now am in a time when the man in my life is pretty freakin’ wonderful. It makes me question what kind of songs I will be writing when I finally sit down and write songs for myself.
….just thoughts to ponder….
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
February 7, 2008
I haven’t shoveled my car off, or out of its parking spot on the road in front of our apartment. It’s been since last Friday when the big snowstorm came. I cufffawed at the fools who were swishing wet snow around. I knew the weather was going to get warmer and I was cheering for the snow to melt quickly and to prove that I was a wise woman just to let it all be. Since that time, the weather has turned cold and everything has turned to ice. Then it snowed again…and not just a little. My neighbors told me that they’ve been using my car as a gage of the total accumulation of snow so far. I saw two kids standing beside my car and staring at it like it was a circus freak!! I have a small fear that the roof is going to cave if even one more flake of snow hits it.

    There’s no place to put large amounts of snow in Toronto. It’s almost as though the city planners simply forgot that we got snow around these parts. The last time we had a big snowstorm, Q shoveled both of or cars out which then provided perfect spots for other people to park in as soon as we left. Q now refuses to shovel like that again….and rightfully so. But my whole “wait for the snow to melt” technique is not working perfectly either.

    My dad and Mary (his wonderful partner) are coming to see us in our one-bedroom “Shire” for the weekend. It’s the first time my dad’s been able to come to Toronto to visit in about four years! Our place is beautiful…but VERY small. It’s going to make for an interesting and close visit : )

    Dad and Mary said that they’ll be bringing their appropriate “mooning” outfits for my show on Saturday night. The last time they saw me I was performing to a rowdy, packed bar and some idiot mooned me. Yeah, you heard me….pants down…bare assed! I had to look to the side and ask if he had stopped yet. I felt like screaming! It was the one gig that Dad and Mary could actually attend and, of course, I get mooned. It’s like that moment in life when you’re telling your parents that things are going really well and then they come to see you and realize it was all a big lie. It’s not that I equate getting mooned to not doing well….but when your dad is only able to attend one out of three shows a year, it means that at least 33 percent of time I’m getting mooned!

    I’m getting excited for the big CD release party this week! I have never played with a band this big before. This month is filled with a bunch of rehearsals and learning experiences.

I’d better go and start the massive job of de-snowing my car.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
February 3, 2008
ESP.
I haven’t done any research into this theory yet, but I’m convinced that all humans have ESP.
My mom has noted something that has happened a couple of times while babysitting my niece. Mom will think “I love you” and my niece will verbally respond “I love you too Gramma.” My niece is two years old.

This simple thing has led me to question the ability to communicate through thoughts alone.

I have learned that I am a terrible judge of character based on first impressions. In order to compensate for this, I try to give people ample time and opportunity to show who they truly are before forming an opinion as to who they are.
 In social settings, when there is more than one person to meet, I find it even more difficult to get a sense of who each individual is…even if I’m able to have one on one conversations. I often crave to have conversations away from other people. My thought is that there are too many internal conversations going on in each individual’s mind and that the craving for one on one time is because other thoughts are getting muddled up by all this noise. Some people have mastered the art of blocking the thoughts around them and focusing on the one at hand. Others are super-sensitive and have a much more difficult time in public situations. I feel I have made poor judgment about people based on negative thoughts coming from someone in close proximity to them. I have also made poor judgments based on my own, internal thoughts that were not at rest…and therefore muddled up the clear connection to someone else’s thoughts.

When my mom had an absolutely muddle-free thought of love towards my niece, and my niece had a muddle-free mind of a child, is it possible that this provided the perfect conditions for a thought transfer?

That’s my thought of the day. I have to go search the net for some info about this.

I’ve had a wonderful week!!
January was supposed to be a month of rest, but it absolutely was not. Things have been really busy and there was still a lot of traveling.

February is much, much different. It truly feels like the calm before the storm this month. I’ve turned down numerous gigs so that I can rest and get the band and myself ready for what is to come. And what’s to come? A CD release party in Toronto, another Canadian West Coast Tour…followed by another trip to Africa for the week-long Harare International Festival of the Arts. I feel very blessed to be getting the opportunity to go back to Zimbabwe. The Canadian Embassy is to thank for this. They’ve been such a big help to me!

All this travel and excitement leaves me feeling a little sad about being away from Q. The thought that, following the next few months, there will be more months and more travel is both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I never realized I was such a home body until I had a reason to stay home.

My new-found Vegan diet kick has been interesting. I’m become quite the crazy chef these days. I’ve fluttered around with nutrition for quite a few years since suffering from eczema five years ago and dealing with a very sick ex-boyfriend for three years prior. I’ve come to the conclusion that we have been foolish about our health for quite some time and that the answer to many of our western disease has been right there on our fork for many years. It is difficult for me to have conversations about it because I become almost irate. When bringing up the topic of a vegetarian diet, you are almost guaranteed to get the bombardment of seemingly educated questions about proper Calcium and Protein intake and the dangers of not having the proper nutrients. And I hear myself countering with the thought that most North American’s are not suffering from the lack of nutrients, but actually the excess of non-nutrients causing an imbalance in the body therefore inhibiting good nutrients from doing their job.  It’s such a sensitive subject and the problem is that I immediately want my family members and friends (who have suffered with various diseases over the years) to know about the new findings and how diet relates to so many of our western diseases. But so few people will acknowledge it? While visiting my mom and her friend, I brought up the topic of Osteoporosis and how there is link to milk products and the negative effect they have on our bones. My mom’s friend wouldn’t have any of this talk responding with the usual “but we need milk to get Calcium.” But what about the amounts of Calcium and Magnesium we get from vegetable and beans? I guess we’ve always been led to believe that it’s not enough? But it’s obvious that many of us in North America are suffering from an excess of something? How can that not cause repercussions?

I equate having to repress my passions about this topic to a situation at a dinner table where someone you love is poking themselves in the eye with a fork and complaining about how much pain it’s causing them. One possible solution to stop their pain is to stop poking the fork into their eye. Despite having this pointed out, and without any strong argument, they continue. They try other things like putting a cork on fork, but nonetheless, they’re still poking themselves in the eye.

I hate when I get fanatical like this. It feels like I’m going against all the things I try to stand for: individualism, compassion, understanding, and acceptance.

There’s my two cents. I gotta go and find out about ESP.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


January 25th, 2008
My mom is a very interesting and wonderful lady. She’s smart, funny, and almost everyone who comes in contact with her takes an extreme liking to her. She looks at things innocently and with an abnormally open mind. As she ages I can see her having a little less patience for people and things than she used to, and I attribute this to her being physically uncomfortable i.e.// arthritic pain, headaches, feeling overweight. Despite this slight change in behavior, mom still exudes the curiosity of a small child and the acceptance similar to a friendly dog.

    Mom has some funny habits that I’ve never understood. For one, she uses unbelievable amounts of tinfoil. I often wish she would create a big, tinfoil ball in hopes that we can reuse all of the metal one day. She’ll refrigerate things after wrapping them once with plastic and once with tinfoil. There are very few meals in which she doesn’t line the cooking pan with tinfoil, or else put the food directly on the tinfoil and put it into the oven. I’ve asked her about this before, but it always feels like I’m disrespecting her decisions….and so I keep my mouth shut. She is an amazing cook, so who am I to question her ways.

    My sister and I bought mom a cell phone for Christmas. She was so excited to text message me and to ‘know she could use it if she needed to.” Last week, I was to meet my mom in North Bay. I was supposed to pick her up from the bus stop but I was running late. I tried to call her on her new cell phone at least six times. But there was no answer. I later asked her what happened. She said she could hear a phone ringing but she just didn’t think it was hers? I guess we should have been calling each other rather than sitting on the couch sending text message to each other : )

    Lately, I’ve been reading a book called “The China Study.” It was written by a doctor who spent years researching various diseases and they’re relationship with diet. The book has some unbelievable findings about cancer, diabetes, heart disease, and a plethora of other seemingly unrelated diseases of affluence. Basically, the author advises that for optimum health and the lowest risk of any type of disease, one should adopt a whole foods, plant based diet. I’ve always been curious about proper nutrition and I’ve adopted some habits from my findings, but I’ve never felt more validated in my efforts as much as I have from reading this book! A vegan diet has been frowned upon in my family forever. Everyone is afraid that I won’t get enough Calcium or Vitamins. I’ve been afraid of this too, but nonetheless, it never really made sense to me. I’ve always felt that my health has been much better when I’ve been on diets that were almost entirely plant based.

    I think I’m just about ready to kick off a vegan lifestyle. I’m heading to the bulk food store to pick up a bunch of beans and nuts and stuff. We’ll see how it goes. Poor, poor Q : ).

    Life is never boring. 


Over and out.
ang

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January 12, 2008
Just after I finished writing about how great things are going, I end up having a really difficult week altogether. I accidentally left my car door unlocked for a couple of hours in front of my house last Sunday. Along with the six dollars in toonies and some odds and ends, full boxes of  “Angie Nussey” CDs were stolen. They left the one box that was open and you could tell that all the CDs were the same. It’s such a bummer because I know they’ll just get thrown into the garbage. I could have given them all away!

    I’m having a difficult time learning to work with someone else on a career level. Ben Sures and I are closely entwined since we’re releasing our CDs and going on tour together. I’m not used to making compromises and dealing with difference of opinions when it comes to musical endeavors. This week held an incredible learning experience for me when it comes to understanding people…and myself. But it didn’t come without any stress. I have to laugh at how seriously I take myself sometimes. I often feel like I’m in that movie about folk singers taking themselves seriously. At least, when I make mistakes, nothing really happens to anyone but me. I can’t imagine being a doctor. What a weight to carry around.

    Now I’m sick with that crazy “everything” flu that keeps you in bed for a few days. Q and I had planned to go to Ottawa for the week-end, but that wasn’t going to happen for me. Mom suggests I get my flu shot next year. I really must educate myself on the flu shot. Mom made a strong point about how I try to keep up to date on healthy eating and lifestyle, but I refuse to accept new ways of medicine and preventative measures for disease. I guess I could get off my soap box and dig a little deeper.

Boy, when you get sick, it throws your confidence out the window. It’s like your body is telling you you’re absolutely NOT invincible no matter how much you think you are.

    I have a serious problem with the phrase “I’m not contagious anymore.” I usually feel like snapping when I hear it from someone who’s coughing and sneezing, or who has a sore throat. I feel that we have been so spoiled in Canada we have no clue how to contain our contagious viruses. My friend, Yun Joo, used to talk about this sometimes. She explained how, in Korea, there are more people living in much closer conditions. Her family of five had lived in a small apartment. In order to keep the spread of illness and disease under control, everyone must use caution and cleanliness….and the degree of caution and cleanliness used is apparently much greater in Korea. I have found this whole idea that an illness someone is carrying is “not contagious anymore” is wreaking havoc on society. I had a roommate who always said “if you’re going to get sick, you’re going to get sick. It doesn’t matter how many preventative measures you take.” I still can’t help but wonder how much of our illnesses are caused by negligence? If we could test each person to see if they are still carrying, what would the result be? Maybe I’ll head to the book store to find some more info on this topic….I’m not contagious anymore anyway. :  )
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January 6th, 2008
Boy how things change from year to year, month-to-month, minute to minute.

I can’t believe where I was last year compared to this year! It’s absolutely remarkable.
Since last December, I’ve moved three times. I moved from the Orange house into a sub-letted Basement apartment, into Q’s apartment near Church and Wellesley, and now into our little, one bedroom “Shire” that I love, love, love.

I’ve never been so happy in my whole life. For a while, in September, I thought this kind of love and happiness would be short lived. But short lived to me is couple of weeks. We’re now on to eight months and just when I think it couldn’t possibly get better, the Christmas holidays come and I feel enlightened even more. It’s so strange after all these years to think that I can be truly happy and to be treated with so much respect. I think of my past and I have, on occasion, missed that feeling of constant sadness. It’s the most comfortable place for me to be. It always felt like home to me. I can see why some people (like me) stay in bad situations for long periods of time. Feeling like you’re at home seems a lot easier than traveling the world sometimes. But once you start traveling…it starts to become easier to leave home. Unknown places don’t seem so scary after a while.  Home seems less stressful than having to go to unknown places….like for example: Africa.

….and I went to Africa in October and had the experience of a lifetime!

And now I’m preparing to go again in April!

So it was a great trip. My friend, Karen, organized a concert and fundraiser to be held in Harare in October. She presented the idea to the Canadian Embassy who then came on board and helped to make, what was supposed to be small show, into a very big, very beautiful concert. The whole time I was performing I was thinking: “I can’t believe we actually pulled this off!!” I’ll never forget it. I’m so amazed at my friend who started and organized it. What a lucky girl I am to have a friend like Karen. We were able to raise substantial funds to help two Zimbabwean Woman’s Charities. It felt good to do something helpful.
 I can’t wait to go back this April for the Harare International Festival of the Arts!! It’s a dream come true for me.

Funny enough, this trip was monumental because it firmed up many of the thoughts I’ve had over the years about equality and the need for balance of feminine to masculine power in the world. In a place where the rise of balance is lagging, it’s easy to see how lucky we are to be woman in Canada, but also how much more ground is needed to be covered before a true balance can be attained. I was happy to speak to the two charitable organizations we donated our proceeds to from the concert. Each organization, in different ways, supported woman affected by HIV and AIDS. When they talk about Woman affected by HIV and AIDS, this also means women who may not have HIV or AIDS but who must care for loved ones who do. Marriage has a much different meaning in Zimbabwe. It’s quite common for the husbands to have a few “houses.” This means there is the “Big House” which is the house where your actual wife lives with the children, and then there is the “Little house” which is essentially his girlfriends’ house. Many husbands have more than one “Little house” and it is a totally accepted and expected situation for  many marriages. Unfortunately, many husbands end up with HIV or AIDS and many wives end up having to take care of their husbands when they get sick. This is just one of the brutal truths I learned about women in Zimbabwe. It was quite a heavy learning experience.

On a lighter note. I saw a GIRAFFE!! Two of them, to be exact! And they were just as unbelievable as I thought they were going to be. I LOVE Giraffes!

Q was able to come for the first couple of weeks so we went on a Safari during that time. In one of our expeditions we were charged by an elephant. Our Safari guide told us to remain still and not to run. I was terrified and have been terrified of elephants ever since. They’re quite beautiful to watch through binoculars though : )

The main reason I ever planned to go to Africa was because my friend, Karen, had been sick and had been through so much last year. I vowed I would go and see her no matter what it took. I was surprised to see how amazing she looked with her short hair and big, bright eyes, her beautiful little girl on her hip. It was wonderful. We were able to spend a lot of time catching up. She’s one of those friends who really know how to make me laugh. I miss her now that I’m back home.

So, here we are on another year. Many fears have been overcome this past year. So many positive changes in mentality. I’m surprised that I live the way I do now. …Just twelve months after living the way I did then. I wanted this change so badly and for so long, but had no idea how to make it happen. I blame over half of it on stretching and breathing and meditating. Strange how that has helped to steer this little ship.

Let’s not be silly now. I still get upset and down and frustrated. But my perspective has changed and I’m not as affected by things the way I used to be. I just feel more content these days. I like myself  a lot more than I ever have before. I feel like I deserve to feel happy.

Having the support of someone who loves you completely changes how many things affect you as well. I’ve felt loved in the past, but I’ve never felt the power of a team like I do with Q. I’ve never felt like someone had my back the way Q does. I love this guy.

All things seem to be moving forward on the musical level. Now that Jen, Daren, Q, and the band have aligned I don’t feel so alone with the release of this album. It’s a very fun and exciting time right now.

The CD release party in Lively went very well. I’m so glad to have had so many friends help out and come out as well. It felt like a reunion! My family really helped out as well. It was another one of those events where I can’t believe we actually pulled it off!

The Toronto release will be a little less stressful since I’m not on the “organizational” end of it like I was for the one in Lively. I’ve been playing with the band a lot more lately. We’re getting ready. If anything it seems like the band is ready and it’s only me who has to get used to playing with other people. It’s a whole new skill I haven’t worked on in a long time. It’s fun.

Well, I best get moving. The day seems to be just flying by.

Over and out.
ang

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Copyright . Hope Cafe Records. All rights reserved.
Web Hosting Companies