June 01, 2007
Trust.
So, here’s what I’m thinking these days:
The bravest thing you can do is trust someone completely. I can’t help but wonder if I’ve ever really trusted anyone completely before.
So, now that I’m a bit older, I realize that you can fall on your face no matter how cautiously you enter into things. But the bonus is that what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
So I’m choosing to trust that my decisions and hunches are right. I’m entering into both a business relationship and a romantic relationship without caution or worry. I’ve never approached anything this way and so I slip up sometimes and resort back to my comfortable worried and stressed place. But not for long. I often ask my angels to give me more proof…and they always do.
I keep feeling surprised, but not. That must sound strange. But it’s the only way I can explain it.
3:35am. I'm hoping this makes sense : )
sleep time.
Posted by Angie at 03:33 AM

May 29, 2007
the alarm
My roommate (who is a wonderful, wonderful person) has this alarm clock that goes “doo dee da da doo dee da da doo dee da da doooo”. It repeats this pattern ten times consecutively starting quietly and ending loudly…and then…it repeats itself EVERY FIVE MINUTES UNTIL YOU SHUT IT OFF!! Today, it started at 7:30am…and ended at 8:35 after I stomped around in front of her door battling with myself not to say or do anything irrational.
…breathe in with positive energy and thoughts…out with negative energy and thoughts…innnnnn…ouuuuuuut…grrrrrrr…innnnnnn…ouuuuut…grrrrrrr.
: )
Posted by Angie at 10:51 AM

May 28, 2007
New Beginnings
Okay, so I’ve been a slacker at keeping up with my journal writing. Things have been busy…and exciting…and romantic.
The new CD is ALMOST finished. So close I can almost taste it. And there are some very interesting things on the go with regards to releasing it.
The funniest thing happened one night at Whelan’s gate. I asked my angels to send a miracle. I do this often, and it often ends up happening for someone else during the night. But on this particular night, two people walked into the bar 15 minutes before closing. I played three songs and they liked what they heard. We spoke afterwards and found out that they were looking to help an independent artist like me…and I was looking for help from experienced people like them. We have since met and emailed and discussed things. Funny enough, they seem to match perfectly into what I’m trying to do. In all honesty, I’ve been quite overwhelmed at the thought of releasing this new album. Of course I’m excited because I want everyone I know to hear it…but that’s just it….I’m not exactly good at getting people, other than everyone I know, to hear it. Let’s face it…I’ve never been good at marketing. I barely know how to use myspace or facebook…I can barely keep my gig dates in order…or my online journals up to date : ) The only reason I’ve had any musical “success” at all is because of my friends….especially Lindsay, Karen, Brenn, and of course all the other wonderful people who work so hard to get people to listen to CDs and come to shows and stuff.
As this album has been coming to life, I realized I need help. But I just wasn’t sure where to go to ask for it. I now realize you don’t have to go anywhere to ask for things….you just need to ask.
I’m excited about this new development. It seems like a good fit for me.
I also have something else that’s been keeping me pretty excited lately….
I decided not to wait until June to date my new man. As I tell my friends: you can’t stop the spinnin’ wheels of love : ) Alright, alright I’m a cheese-ball. All I know is that Fod must have known exactly what he was doing when he sent me through, what I will now call, my wrecking ball year. Every lesson I’ve learned and every experience I’ve had has prepared me for this time in life when someone spectacular has come along….and I feel deserving of this person. From here on in, I will call him Q.
From the moment I asked Q for a date in June, I sensed he was holding the warm blanket I’ve been waiting for….and he keeps proving me right all the time. I feel like he’s wrapped me up in it and despite all efforts on my part, to tear it or take it off, he just keeps it around me with a grin and a hug. He’s warm. Whatever I give to him in kindness, he returns to me ten-fold. He makes me feel like a great person who can do anything.
This relationship has been developing quickly…which is a surprise…but somehow it’s not surprising at all. It feels like déjà vu with him. Like I always knew he was going to be there. And everything he does…like grabbing me on the sidewalk and dancing with me in front of a small bar with a live band….seems strangely, exactly how I thought he would be. He is truly a great person.
….and ridiculously handsome too. I never specified to Fod what my blanket holder had to look like, but I guess he decided I deserved the super-bonus pack. Like I always say: never question Fod’s ways : )
To say I’m being swept off my feet is an understatement.
It’s wonderful.
Happy spring : )
Posted by Angie at 02:18 AM


May 08, 2007
The test
I heard myself say something recently: “It turns out that I am exactly the same person both in and out of the relationship. The only difference is, now that I’m not in that relationship, I like myself a lot more.”
Funny how that is.
Every week is something new around these parts. My Orange house has changed again and there are two new roommates and a whole new dynamic. It’s interesting. I like it.
On April 19th at 7:30 pm, I got over Brendan. I was driving in my car. I had spent the day feeling anger towards him. Then, something happened…it was like a rush of warmth. I have no reason to be mad at him. And I have no reason to go back to him either.
A number of things happened in April that led to this epiphany…the main ones being:
1. A chance encounter with a crazy, psychic man in Kirkland Lake.
2. A really, really good cry.
And 3. This quote sent to me by my friend Gwen Doyle: “When one door closes, another door opens, but sometimes we’re too busy staring at the closed door to notice the open ones.”
I don’t want to stare at a closed door anymore.
Since April 19th, I’ve felt even more centered than before.
In the past few months, my friends have asked me what kind of person I am looking for and what kind of relationship I want. I’ve been rhyming off the typical things: good sense of humour, smart, kind, considerate, loving…a balanced relationship…etc…etc. But who doesn’t want those things? I realized I want something more than that. It’s a feeling that I want to have when I’m with this person.
When I meditate and I visualize the things I want in my life. I imagine my next relationship to feel like a warm blanket, fresh off the clothesline. I want to curl up in something that’s warm and inviting.
I’ve had a crush on a sweet, smart, handsome man for a couple of months now. When I first realized I liked him, I woke up the next day in a panic. I wasn’t ready to like someone that way. But I only ever saw him once a week (at one of my gigs) and by the second and third week, I started to relax about my feelings. I think it was because he is so relaxed and consistent with me.
Two weeks ago, I bravely told him I liked him and that I want to date him in June…when I’m finished dating myself. : )
His response was surprisingly positive and we’ve been happily (and slowly) getting to know each other in the half hour we get to talk after my show each week. He wondered if I might not want to break-up with myself in June. I told him I don’t want to break up with myself ever again….I will have to two-time….but we’ll keep it honest. : )
Last week, we discussed the possibility of emailing each other in the coming week and we decided to wait just a little longer.
The next day, I woke up, called my mom, and emailed my best friend in Africa. I told them I am ready to date someone great! I didn’t feel any fear, or worry, or sadness. I was so happy!
That very day, I went to the studio and Brian and I finished two songs completely. I walked home thinking “I am the happiest and luckiest girl on the planet! Why do I get to be so lucky!!”
Two hours later….who do I have a chance encounter with …after six months without any contact at all? : Brendan.
There we were, face to face on the sidewalk talking uncomfortably about our lives. He asked about my love life and I told him about my upcoming date in June. He then told me he’s been with someone for quite some time and that they’re going on vacation to Cuba because she wants to see it before it changes.
I left the conversation thinking: What the arf is Fod up to this time ?
It was a test.
And I didn’t pass with it with flying colours either. I immediately fell into my old mentality…feeling like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, successful enough. The next day, I walked down to Kensington Market and I saw all these beautiful women. I sadly thought “I wonder which one of these beautiful women Brendan is taking to Cuba with him?”
Brendan phoned. He wanted to be friends. I told him I was quickly falling into my old mentality and I need more time to pass so that I don’t do that ever again. It was the mature conversation that I have needed since the last day I saw him in December.
Aside from some good moments and some long coffee talks, (big thanks to Jay Haddow and Ben Sures) I moped around for 2 days.
Letting go of someone is a funny thing….it really does feel uncomfortable not to feel crappy….and falling back into that feeling is similar to curling up in an old blanket. But that blanket has had the biscuit…and besides, it’s made of wool…and I’ve always been allergic to wool : ) …Funny thing is, I still have a few wool sweaters that I wear every now again….for an hour or so…until I realize I’m still allergic : )
This morning I woke up and thought: I can choose not to stay this way. I don’t have to live in this dark place. This does not belong to me.
I said my prayer that is pinned to the wall beside my desk:
I graciously accept good into my life
I am willing to release all fears of receiving love
It is safe for me to be loved and cared for
I deserve love and assistance
There is a man in this city who is absolutely brimming with light…and he’s waiting until June to go on a date with me. And I like him.
It doesn’t matter to me whether he holds my new blanket or not. What matters is: he might.
Posted by Angie at 11:26 AM

April 18, 2007
The toaster oven
I live in a house that does not have television or a microwave. It’s not because we can’t afford these things, it’s because the owner of this house (and roommate) has strong beliefs against these things….and I appreciate them. We eat about 80% organic foods and there is never a shortage of fruits and vegetables. It is not uncommon for guests to ask if they can kill a spider or a moth in our house because the only people allowed to live here are the earth-eco-friendly types. At first I wasn’t sure if I belong here. I drive a car and I use Redken shampoo. But other than those two things, I seem to fit perfectly into this environment. It’s funny how you come up with ways of heating things when you don’t have a microwave. The toaster oven has become my best friend. I toast nuts and seeds, fruit….I even toasted some cornflakes once (you just have to watch they don’t catch fire). The best experiment was toasting raisins and dates. I was teased about this for the first little while…until I caught my roommate making herself some toasted raisins one night : ) They’re really good.
The past two weeks have been chaotic. I am so happy to have received some government grant money to help fund the making of this new album. I was getting REALLY stressed out about finances and I had no idea what I was going to do. It’s not like I can’t access money. I have wonderful friends interested in investing in this project, but I didn’t want them to invest in the making of the album. I wanted to make the album and allow my friends invest in marketing of it (if they like it). I just didn’t want to have pressure of creating something marketable. I just wanted to make something that I love. And that’s what I get to do….and I LOVE it….Ohhhhhh how I love it!!
Cheers to the Ontario Arts Council!!
Posted by Angie at 08:24 PM


March 29, 2007
Pitch Corrections
After about 8 million vocal takes of the next four songs with no real “keepers”, Brian and I have decided that I need to retrain my voice. This happens almost every year. I develop bad habits from playing in bars and singing with my throat all the time. This year I have developed what I like to call “slippery pitch.” I can hit the notes alright, but getting to them is a bit sketchy : ) I like this style for certain songs…in fact it has worked for the six songs we’ve already recorded vocals for. However, we seem to have saved the most sensitive and difficult ones for the end. I didn’t realize or I would never have done it this way : ) It has been a very challenging week. My ego felt like it had been hit by a truck. I blamed everything….the bars, the weather, sleep, stress, the environment, Brian, Southern Comfort, the radio, my headphones, the height of the microphone, the lighting of the room, the food I ate…etc…etc…. The past two days have been an awakening….the answer is: LACK OF PRACTICE.
Ouch.
At least I have figured it out….and at least the solution is completely dependent on me. My poor orange house will be ringing with repeated vocal exercises over the next little while.
It’s spring and the air smells fresh.
I might actually have to shave my legs soon. I might have to first borrow an electric trimmer before I can reach my skin with a razor. Lack of intimacy can do strange things to a girl : )

Posted by Angie at 04:12 PM


March 07, 2007
Snow Pants
Snow pants.
I wear ‘em all the time.
I wear them inside a lot (especially at Brian’s recording studio…it’s cold there).
I wear them to restaurants even if it’s Buffet.
I’m not talking about the funky, new style of snow pants either. Mine are shiny and purple. I have had then since 1998 : )
I wear them because my legs get cold. I think my legs get cold because they have forgotten how to keep warm. I think they forgot how to keep warm because I wear my snow pants so much. It’s a hard cycle to break…
Posted by Angie at 11:49 AM
March 02, 2007
First Friday in March
First Friday in March.
So much to do tonight.
Janine Stoll is playing at “The Now Lounge.” Funk band at “Revival.” I think there’s something happening at “Mitzi’s Sister.”
It’s such a rare thing to have a Friday night off. But this is “twenty dollar week.” A week in which you only spend $20. I have them sometimes…especially at the end of February…and especially when making a great new CD : ) It really makes you question your needs and wants. I don’t mind it really. It just means that I might not go out on Friday night since I don’t want to spend my allowance : )
Here are some Angie Tidbits:
I’m clean. Much cleaner than people expect. I like organization. I file things. I put things in alphabetical order. I don’t keep CD cases, I just have spindles full of CDs in alphabetical order by first name. I wash my laundry more than anyone in my house. I will NEVER buy movies. I only like to watch them once (with a few exceptions). I usually buy used books so I can give them away right after I read them. I don’t like collections of anything …except maybe pens, pencils, and old journals. I only keep the journals because I want some good reading material for when I’m 60. And I do keep small keepsakes from people that I care about. I like candles…and I think it’s because they burn away. Recently I’ve developed a paranoia about candles releasing toxins into the air. I’m now hunting for bees wax candles. It’s an appropriate thing for me since I absolutely LOVE bees and everything they do.
My bedroom is my castle. For most of my life, I could not handle being around dark, warm colors because they made me feel sad and depressed. I liked whites and blues and yellows. This has all changed. My room is now full of dark orange, brown, and green. It’s much more of a content and relaxed room rather than being a joyous, extremely happy looking thing. Funny how things change.
Yun Joo was very sick last week. I brought her to my room and lit candles and put on music by Ron Allen…one of my favorite artists to relax to. I then tried to cure Yun Joo by holding my hands over her and imagining the infection leaving her body. The next day she was worse. It was awful. We cried. She said she had felt really relaxed in my room. I let her sleep there while I was away for the week-end. She felt better after the first night...and even better by the next. I may not have healing hands, but my room has now been deemed “the healing room.” : ) I believe it. It sure has been helping me to heal over these past few months.
Yun Joo moved out this week. It’s sad to see her go. She has become a very good friend to me.
Last night was there was a HUGE ice storm. Like I fool, I drove to my gig at Whelan’s gate. When I came home, I realized my street was full of snow and slush and there was only one lane to get through. At 2:30am, I decided to momentarily park my car in the middle of the road so I could unload my gear before trying to park in the alley behind my house. My assumption was “no one ever drives down my street at this time of night when the roads are good….so I’m positive there won’t be any cars tonight.” No sooner did I have my first load of gear in the house when four (I said four!!) fire trucks show up directly behind my car with sirens blazing and lights flashing. I ran to my car and frantically started driving down the street…looking for a place to pull over. But there were no safe places to go! I then became the LEADER OF THE FIRE RESCUE TEAM : ). It was the most stressful 500m stretch of driving I’ve ever had! I thought I was going to have a heart attack! I hope I didn’t hold up the team too much. I hope I don’t get a phone call telling me I have to go back to driving school : )
These weeks are very busy…but not too busy for an adventure or two.
I’ve been experimenting a little more when this whole dating business : )
Sam. He is mature, honest, kind, and he has a wonderful zest for life. He smokes…and, surprisingly, I don’t even care…and he drinks a lot of coffee…extra large triple triples! My favorite memory of him is watching him ski. There he was with his coffee mug stuffed in his pants pocket, ski poles in one hand, cigarette in the other, heading towards the trees of the bunny trail at a strikingly fast, and slightly out of control pace. I wondered if the scene I was witnessing was a small version of what his life is like overall? It sort of seems that way to me?
This new dating thing has brought some questions and feelings to light. I feel a little numb actually. Perhaps it is the equivalent of the February blas? Perhaps it’s a protective mechanism…I’m not sure.
I really crave to care about someone else, but I seem to go numb when the chance to do so comes along. I realize there are great people out there who are willing to care about me regardless of how much I can give back. In my younger years, I might have entered into this lopsided style of relationship as a way to feed my ego without having to give anything back. But I don’t want to do that. I want to bring love and happiness to someone’s life just as much as I want these things for myself. I’d rather be lonely than feel like I’m not giving my best to someone.
Sam says he’s indestructible and I could never hurt him. He says he is currently living a happy life, and however I want to fit into it will be gravy. When I told him I was unsure if we were going to make a good match, he said perhaps we are meant to have a different type of relationship than the one we are assuming. He said he likes me, and he’s cool with whatever happens as long as I don’t hate him. I told him I like him too….but. He interrupted me and said “no “buts”…just go home and call me when you miss me.” I probably won’t call him … even if I do miss him.
I could probably summarize all of this by saying that the thought of caring about someone else makes me miss Brendan.
I wonder how much longer I have to wait until I stop missing him? I feel a bit like a fool about it lately.
I’m totally fine if I think of him happy and carrying on well. It’s the times when I wonder if he’s missing me? Those hurt the most because I wonder if we both missed the bus?
On the bright side…there was a time when, even the thought of dating someone else was difficult. So, I must be getting better on some level.
…what’s going to happen next….it’s exciting to think of it… it could be anything : )
Posted by Angie at 10:33 PM
 
February 18, 2007
The days of February
February 18th, 2007
My friends from Mr. Something Something are up for a Juno for their album “The Edge.”
Selfishly I’m extra excited about this because I was lucky enough to do some back-up singing on that particular album. I will expect a tiny piece of the Juno if they get it. Someone has suggested they saw off a piece of the ear or something… : )
I can’t believe there was a time when I wasn’t doing much. It is no longer that time. Brian and I have decided to work everyday and every spare moment until we absolutely need a break! We no longer need Ayron as a mediator, but it was great to have him in the studio for a few days to play bass. Some days seem like three days. But the making of a CD gives me equivalent excitement to my friends’ getting pregnant, or building a new house, or planning a wedding. It’s my favorite thing. Especially this time around. There is a respect and understanding between Brian and I that has been developing quickly through this experience. And we’re both feeling so much more confident in ourselves…it makes it easier to listen to each other’s ideas.
The “friendship” Jason and I were working on didn’t really pan out. I guess that’s what happens when things are unbalanced. True friendships are spectacular things to come across. Jason's a spectacular person. He wants more of me than I can give him. He loses confidence because of this. I don't want to be a person who steals confidence from someone else. We decided not to speak for a while.
Yun Joo pointed out that I’ve only recently started eating popcorn before bed. She says I’m eating comfort food because I’m lonely. She could be right….
There’s something that I completely forgot about when your alone…it’s really hard to feel sexy when no one is making you feel that way : ) You can feel confident, content, beautiful, successful, smart, relaxed…but sexy….eeeemmm not so much : )
But, all you need is ONE person to make you feel sexy, and boom, everyone thinks you’re sexy again….including yourself…and it can spiral out of control in either direction if you’re not careful : )
The past week has been another great turning point in relationship perspectives, and the grand finale came with the country song called “I gotta brand new girlfriend.” What a wonderful pivotal moment that was : ) I can continue to state that I can’t see anyone because I still love Brendan, OR I can decide not to see someone because it doesn’t feel right to me. I can stop making Brendan responsible for my choices.
Dating myself until June …that was a nice idea, however, there are some opportunities that rules were meant to be broken for! Being busy and happy, but also enjoying the company of someone great once in a while….yeah, life’s too short!
I went home to Lively last week and performed at the Walden Winter Carnival, The Penache Woman’s Friendship Morning, and The United Church. It was such a fateful trip. People from home are so supportive it amazes me…even after all these years of being gone. I feel very lucky.
Something strange happened during my performance at the United Church. Let me set up the story:
My mom is a member of the United Church, and even though I don’t believe in straying from my own religion (Worshiping Fod), I have no problem with the United Church and wonderful Father Ted. Ted and I have become friends and we organized three songs for me to perform during the Sunday sermon. The first two went over just fine. Then, before the last one, they did this thing where people in the congregation would randomly call out things like “please pray for Cathy who is having a difficult time this week” and we all would say “lord hear our prayer.” This went on for a few minutes and many people were asking for help for their friends and families. I wanted to ask for help for my friend, Karen, but I got all choked up. I looked at my mom and realized she felt the same way which gave cause to even more choking up. So there we were all choked up. THEN, not even a moment later, Ted tells me I can begin my last song whenever I want. I was SO not prepared to go from choked up to performing a song.
Anyway, to make the story short, I started crying. Hard. In front of a room full of silence. I couldn’t make it through the first verse and chorus before having to stop the song with a promise to perform it another time. The song was “Smiling Today.” How appropriate : ) I felt humiliated. Ted walked me down the isle and I had to shake hands with every person in the room. Each of them had their own thoughts about what happened to me, but I was still too choked up to explain anything.
I went home feeling like I’d humiliated myself and had been totally irrational. But as the day wore on, I felt much better about it all. So what if I got upset? I remember each person of the congregation shaking my hand with absolute understanding. They’ve been upset before too. Some were upset that day like me. It was a good thing to share. I can’t be ashamed of something so real. So I won’t.
When I think of it now, I wonder why people cry when they feel they have been touched spiritually? My theory is that we walk around the earth with a heavy burden in our hearts. I think there’s a guilty feeling as though there’s something we could do to help. But, when you have a moment of absolute belief that there is a force beyond your control responsible for the outcome of each event, that weight can be lifted. Of course you can always do your best to help, but in the case of my best friend…I don’t know what I can do to help except to plan to go to her…and Zimbabwe is a LONG way away.
Anyway, the brain surgery was 98% successful, AND it was a benign tumor…which is good. Unfortunately, you don’t really walk out of brain surgery feeling like a million bucks. There are many battles to follow. She has a four month old baby girl as well. But she’s one of the smartest, strongest, and bravest people I know. If it were to happen to someone who could get through it, it would be her. And she will. Here comes the choking up again.
Posted by Angie at 11:19 AM

February 01, 2007

Good News
Today is getting better.
My best friend is recovering well, after her brain surgery. It's such wonderful news!!
Posted by Angie at 03:59 PM


February 01, 2007
This week is heavy. My best friend had brain surgery on Tuesday in Johannesburg. Apparently, things didn’t go quite as planned as the tumor was not as self contained as they had thought. There are many people in Canada, anxiously waiting to hear what’s going on. It feels a little helpless when all you can do is send positive thoughts and prayers. I wish I was there with her.
Aside from that, things continue in a very positive manner.
We’ve been really moving with recording. Brian and I finally worked out a method of working together that prevents tension in the studio…and that method is called: mediator. There’s no better mediator than Ayron Mortley. With his cool, logical, fairness, we seem to have created the ultimate team.
Funny how solutions are so easy once you know what they are : )
This has been a tremendous time of friendship building. Here is a quote that I really like:
“each personality draws to itself personalities with consciousness of like frequency, or like weakness. Therefore the world of an angry person is filled with angry people, the world of a greedy person is filled with greedy people, and a loving person lives in a world of loving people.” Gary Zukav.
I believe it.
I have a new friend named Jason who makes me laugh until I can’t breathe, and who matches my energy perfectly. Initially, we were confused as to whether we should be friends or something more than that. We ventured into a romantic relationship for a short time, but I soon found myself feeling sad and uncomfortable. I started being really critical of him (in my mind of course). I noticed his behavior changed as soon as I was giving off that criticizing vibe. Things became unbalanced. We decided not to pursue the romantic side of our relationship. I’m not in the right place for it. I still love Brendan, and although I probably will forever, I have to wait for the time to come when I will not compare our relationship to a new one. I made this same mistake when Brendan and I first got together…I just didn’t realize it (or want to realize it). It’s nice to have clarity…even if it is only in retrospect.
I also said I would date myself for six months…and that time has not passed yet! Damn me and my stupid rules : )
Each week is filled with so many changes. What an incredible time in life. I can’t imagine what my perspective will be like in June…it’s exciting!
ang
Posted by Angie at 12:43 PM

January 18, 2007
The Moo moo
I have a new friend. Her name is Yun Joo and she lives in the Orange house with the five of us.
Despite our extreme cultural differences and language barrier, it took one week to realize that we were meant to become friends.
I have learned SO much by hanging out with Yun Joo. She’s from Korea and she’s working at becoming a veterinarian in Canada. She is a woman who seems very much ahead of her time. She is 36 and should be married by now, but she chose not to because she finds that many wives in Korea are not treated the way she would like to be treated. We go running together, and we are constantly introducing each other to new foods and cultural differences. I ate the spiciest Tai food EVER this week and I brought the leftovers for Yun Joo to try. She took quite a few bites and told me that it was not spicy. Then a few seconds later, she declares that the spice comes “later.” We laughed. It sure does come later!! I felt pain in my chest for nearly 24 hours!!
But, let me tell you, the Korean diet is full of hot peppers. Yun Joo says that eating spicy food is helpful for people who want to lose weight because they keep the body at a warmer temperature. I wish I knew while I was on holidays eating chocolate and turkey by the pound! I would have tossed in the old hot pepper here and there…but I’m sure this would have had a negative effect. I would have had an excuse to eat more : )
I kind of wonder if eating spicy food is like getting a tattoo. You kinda hate it because it’s painful, but there’s this wonderful euphoric feeling that you get after feeling that pain. Getting a tattoo was like that. At least the spicy food is a less permanent high : )
The past few weeks have been very relaxing. I kind of lost ambition for a while there. I was happy with the thought of living in the Orange house forever, eating healthy, spicy food, wearing a moo moo, meditating, and telling everyone how wonderful they are.
Apparently Fod won’t have it.
He’s got me in the studio all next week working on two projects. I’ve always found that it’s nice to have a side project while working on a main project. It just seems to give balance to everything.
So, I’m working on this dance music project with a couple of Toronto DJs. I’ve always been frustrated at the lyrical content of most dance songs… “reach for the sky…I feel so high…I wonder why”…type stuff. Now that I’ve voiced this opinion, I feel pressure to come up with something that’s better. Damn me and my big mouth. I guess I can’t chill out and wear the moo moo next week. I just love the word: Moo moo. It makes me giggle. It’s like fart jokes…they never die out no matter how old you get. I wonder if animals laugh at them too. I bet they do : )
This is scattered thought day. I’d better get working on some stuff.....oh I think I just came up with some lyrics.. “I feel so high….I want to fly….” DAMMIT!! Curse me and my calky talk!! These DJs are gonna be so disappointed!
Over and out.
ang
Posted by Angie at 01:03 PM
Backtrack to December
This journal entry was written on December 2nd, but it was never posted. I thought I'd post it today:
When I speak of Brian Lahaie, I usually speak of him as one of my ex- boyfriends, or my drummer, or my producer.
But what I don’t ever say is that he is one of my best friends in the whole world.
We’ve had rough times. In the past, we’ve challenged our friendship by getting together as a couple. Now that that chapter has passed, our friendship has never been stronger. It’s nice to have someone at your back like that. Whenever I need a pure, objective, yet kind opinion, I call Brian. He’s a thinker.
We started to work on the new album last week and ended up having an all-out screaming match about it. As it turns out, we were both making the same suggestion, we just didn’t understand each other. When we made up, we both said sorry and admitted that there’s a line of comfort that we have with each other that it not always beneficial. It’s like we’re brother and sister. We have the ability to drive each other crazy!
Like I said, he’s a thinker….so much so that I dare say he wouldn’t actually DO anything if it weren’t for the people around him who put a fire under his ass.
I drive him crazy because I’m a do-er. He hates the way I use the trial and error approach to everything. : )
But we secretly admire each other for what we sometimes see as faults and that’s what keeps us so strong as friends.
Today, I was packing to move again. That’s why I thought of Brian. When I told him about it he said “I wish you’d stop moving around so much.” I asked him why, and he jokingly said “I’m getting tired of having to move your crap everywhere!” He didn’t even question why I would move back to T.O. He just said, “yeah, you’ll have a good time if you come back here.”
Oh, yeah, I’m moving back to T.O. Ha. Forgot to mention that in my last journal. Or did I? I think I was holding back for personal reasons. We can get into that another time. I’ve never been good at hiding anything. If you have to hide something, it usually means you’re ashamed of it. I no longer want to hide things. I’m terrible at it anyway : )
I found a perfect place for me with a piano and everything. It was a very easy decision that came at a very good time. I’m 30, single, and a musician. Despite her flaws, I think the big smoke is a great place for me now. All the things I ran from, I feel like I can now embrace. And although I have my days of sadness about leaving O-town, I’m excited to create a new chapter of life that’s going to suit my needs entirely. This is a very self-centered time. My eyes are clear and so are my thoughts. Like my friend Mellie says: “You can’t keep a good woman down.”
I was supposed to move on Friday. But I couldn’t. I just needed to stay here a little longer. I feel kind of like a kid who’s leaving her safe, comfortable home for the first time. This was certainly a safe place to land for a while.
I’ve spent a lot of quality time with my little friend, Jasmine, here in Orangeville. She’s 5 years old and she’s been one of my greatest teachers.
Today we were gearing up to play tennis in the driveway and she started whining about the hood on her jacket. I was kind of talking to myself when I said “I just hate whining.” She looked at me in shock and said “I didn’t know you hated whining? You should have told me that earlier.” I was shocked. Is that all it would have taken? Just to say it out loud? Lesson learned.
She was asking me about bread the other day and if it was made from animals?
She walked down the stairs lifting her knees high in the air. I asked her why she had to walk like that and she said “this is how little people have to walk down stairs.”
The other day, I fed her a cooked yam and she hated it. She didn’t want to tell me, so she was asking if she could call her mom on her cell phone. Then she asks if she could call her dad (who is in Boston). Finally, I asked her what was wrong and through her tears, she explained that she didn’t like the yam.
I then fed her green spaghetti (made with spinach) which, I think she’s grown to like.
I’m totally that babysitter who, when the child asks for a snack, I chop up carrots and broccoli and sit it out on a plate. It took a while before I figured out how special Lucky Charms can be : )
When I came here, she couldn’t read and couldn’t tell the days apart. I can’t believe how quick she’s learned these things.
She was in my room the one day and she pulled out this tiny scrap of paper that I had written some words on a few years ago. She asked me what the words in pink said. I looked at the paper and beside what I had written, there in pink letters were words along the line of “have better sex with such and such of condoms!!”
What are the odds that she would need me to read that? I think fate was joking with me.
I had to lie. There were too many questions that would follow if I actually read the pink letters. I’m glad she still couldn’t read it at the time….heaven knows what would have happened if she found it today or tomorrow.
When I told her I was leaving, she said “do you have to?”
(gulp)
She later asked me “how long are you going to be my friend for?”
Forever Jasmine….I promise. (gulp, sob)
So, away I go tomorrow. Back to the city that chewed me up and spit me out.
My friend Mellie wrote this to me yesterday (I hope she doesn’t mind if I exploit her wisdom:
“I just want to let you know that I am always here and ready to back you up when you're feeling blue or scared or nervous or just wanna freak out. Keep on taking risks and having the balls to explore yourself and try new things. ANd i just want to let you know that it isn't easy, so stop thinking that it should be!! If you're scared shitless, then you're right on track!”
The newspaper in my hometown of lively wants to do an article on me as a graduate of Lively High. They wanted me to give them some words of wisdom you would share with young people…
I gave them this:
"Surround yourself with people who love, respect, and support you in everything you do. This is what will provide you with the courage to try again…even when you fail a hundred times.”
Posted by Angie at 12:35 PM
January 04, 2007


January 2007

Well, well here we are in a New Year!
What a great Christmas Holiday. I gave it a 10 /10 as it was the first Christmas in three years when I wasn’t either deathly ill or crying over a guy….or both. Good friends. Good food. Good attitude.
My friends say they’ve never seen me like this in my whole life. I haven’t felt like this (for as many consecutive days) in my whole life before: Happy with who I am.
All this happiness leading up to a New Year that has brought nothing but bad news about some people that I love. My best friend was diagnosed with a brain tumor. My good friend was diagnosed with a tumor in his chest. And my other good friend (and very first boyfriend) passed away. Sooo, this week has been tough. But….my best friend is going for surgery in three weeks (apparently brain surgery is quite common these days). My good friend sounds positive about his chest tumor which has not been causing him any pain. And I’m thankful to have had a very warm and loving cyber conversation just a week before the passing of my good friend Dana Andrews. I giggled at his funeral as the minister pronounced his name wrong 25 times. I thought he was probably up there laughing his head off at this. He wasn’t really a religious man.
After Dana’s funeral, my perspective on things changed a little. I think that your reality changes when you see how quickly and easily people can be taken away.
I met someone who talked about living in a country of constant war. He said he has since become a person who can relax in any sort of circumstance because nothing is ever worth worrying about THAT much. He said that, because he’d seen so many people die, he doesn’t take things as seriously. Is that what happens to the average person as they get older? Do they see so much that their values and perspectives change completely? I think so. But I will investigate further.
I started thinking about getting a will made up ASAP. I want there to be good music at my funeral. I want all my rockstar friends to play songs and tell stories and dance and laugh and stuff!! And they can cry all they want, but they’d better not cry while performing …there might be some important people that should hear them play.
Obviously I feel better now.
Other things….
Yoga. It makes everything right with the world. I don’t even know how to perform Yoga properly. I’ve been to a few classes and checked out a few books I guess. One month ago, I met this man who said, “do Yoga for 20 min every day for a month and you will notice incredible changes.” He said, if you can’t make it to a yoga studio, then stretch in your own room and concentrate on breathing in good energy and thoughts, and breathing out negative energy and thoughts.
It works!
Go yoga go!
I’m back in T.O. today…still living in, what I will now call: The Orange House. My house is not Orange on the outside, but inside….yeah, it can easily have the name.
I’ve made a good friend in this house.
I’m excited about this year. I have a rumbling in my tummy that says it going to be a monumental one.
Posted by Angie at 12:10 PM
December 11, 2006
Toronto adventures
Today I went for a big walk down Bloor Street to my favorite book store. My plan was to drop off a bunch of books and purchase a few more. I asked the guy at the store if he had any Anna Maxted? He said she’d be over in the small section called “Chick Lits.” Apparently “Chick Lits” is now a term used by book stores to classify these “girl” novels.
So I can’t find my Anna Maxted. I then ask the guy if I can sell him some of my books. He says “well, if all you have is just a bunch of Chick Lits, you’re not going to get much money for them. They don’t move very fast.”
“Well I read OTHER stuff to ya know!! AND, I have other books to sell as well.”
He kind of rolled his eyes. He knew as well as I did that 80% of my books are “Chick Lits.”
Some people study cars, some people study politics. I study humans and their relationships! Fark you, you big science fiction reading snob man.
I didn’t sell him any books.
I walked down to the next book store looking for Anna Maxted.
The clerk at the store looks on the computer and, in his gigantic voice, starts rhyming off the titles of her books:
1. Being Committed !
2. Running in Heels !
3. Getting Over It!
4. Behaving Like Adults!
5. A Tale of Two Sisters!
I feel like the shoppers in the store are gathering around to look at me with curiosity and pity. The clerk then says “sorry, none of these books are here”!
Well thanks for announcing my book selection to EVERYONE!!!
I had to laugh.
Then, I went to get some new slippers from a bin on the street that said $2.99. With my head in the clouds, I quickly walk into, what I think is, the store that sells the slippers. I am instantly bombarded with sights of dildos and hand cuffs, porn movies, posters, lubricant’s, chains, blow up dolls….you name it! Without thinking, I take my slippers to the extremely crowded counter and the cashier has this huge grin on his face. I notice another customer with a similar grin. Meanwhile, all I can think is “why would you sell slippers outside and porn inside? Isn’t that false advertising?” They cashier says, “I think you need to pay for those next door.” Damn you Toronto with your stores so close together!! : )
Today I learned that cork is actually a replenish able resource. It’s comes from the bark of cork trees and you can actually strip them of their bark, and six years later you can strip them again.
Ouch. Poor naked trees : ) I think of how shameful it would be to be a sheep.
I’ve become friends with my roommate Jung Loo. She’s from Korea and she’s studying like mad for a veterinarian exam in a few weeks. She tries to teach me Korean words and I don’t remember them well. I can’t believe how easily she can remember English words! She loves hearing music in the house, and she’s so down to earth that I’m not afraid to practice in front of her. We’re the only two people in the house during the day, and although we don’t talk for long periods, we both admit it’s nice to have someone around.
The men of my new home, Winston and Brian, are both very skilled, intelligent, educated, tradesmen over forty. They each have so much to say, and it’s always interesting. I feel myself learning so much from them. The more time I live here, the more I see what quality really is. Winston knows and attracts all kinds of people from all over the world. There are always people dropping stuff off at the house like big boxes of organic apples and biodegradable detergents. The washer, dryer, and dish washer are all German designed appliances that Winston paid a ton of money for 10 years ago. But they last forever, they use less water and electricity, they very rarely need any maintenance, and they work better than any appliance I’ve ever used. The floor in the kitchen is made of cork (which spawned the cork topic tonight.) The tiles in the entranceway are intricately designed and amazingly artistic.
Brian is the Tiler (but he didn’t do the tiles in the hallway.) He is 60 but looks 45. Today we compared our jobs. Despite his science education, Brian chose to be a tiler because he enjoyed the job. He doesn’t really care for money. He just likes to create things. I realized that my music career is almost parallel to his career. The other day I felt like I wasn’t working hard enough. Then I realized I had been to two rehearsals, spent two hours on the computer, mailed four CDs, two sets of posters, and an application for teaching music in schools, and booked two gigs. The reason I didn’t feel like I worked enough was because I enjoyed everything I did.
I can’t believe how much has changed in the past month. Something has definitely clicked in my mind. I keep worrying that it’s going to click back into what it was before. But every day, the feeling gets stronger and becomes more of a reality. Have I never been truly happy until this time? Have I never felt comfortable with who I am until this time? If I hadn’t had all these experiences over the past few years, would I ever have come to this realization? Am I a lucky one, or is this what happens to many people around this age?
I have some investigating to do….. : )
Word to the wise: Always read the sign on the door of the store you plan to enter. : )
Posted by Angie at 11:08 PM