December 09, 2006

Changes

Things have taken a great turn recently. It’s like I finally broke the pattern of living the vision of other people.
After three months in Orangeville, a whole lotta learning, babysitting, resting, hiking, and thinking, I have returned to Toronto!!
Let me tell you how good it is to be home!
I moved into a huge house with four other, awesome people. Everyone does their thing, but we kind of live communally too. It’s an eco-friendly house and there’s always good cooking going on. I live with a vet from Korea, a student, a tiler / inventor, and a builder. Our ages range from 22 to 60. The TV has been replaced with a fish tank and the conversations are always interesting. I LOVE IT. It’s clean, bright, and I feel like I have more privacy than I had when I lived in Orangeville! Funny.
I’ve started to work like mad on my next album. I’m working with Brian again after much discussion and contemplation. He’s the perfect one for the job now that I see him as an equal rather than an almighty. There’s a piano room in my house which I have access to every afternoon.
I was financially stressed until my friend, Robin, invested in my next reproduction of CDs and gave me a killer gig on December 23rd. I have another investor for the marketing of the next album…..so I feel relief before it’s even made.
I have been making new friends and practicing with different musicians just for fun.
I savor moments like never before. I have no rush to be anywhere and I look forward to every human encounter I have.
I still have moments of missing Brendan like crazy, but I can’t be with him right now. We’re just not good for each other. And, for the first time, I truly don’t want to be with anyone at all. It’s not out of bitterness either. I just feel good and I don’t want to do anything to alter it.
I’ve changed my theory about romance. I’ve realized that it’s all about attitude. Couples who believe in true love survive because they both choose to believe. They both decide that they deserve to be loved and respected equally.
In other words, I believe there is romance out there for anyone who wants it and realizes they deserve it.
So I’m heading out to Fergus today to be a special guest at a fundraising event. My friend Adam (owner of “Shaw Music” ) put together an all-star band who will be backing me. I’m looking forward to it!

The sun shines today.
Posted by Angie at 11:24 AM


November 28, 2006.
The grey day.
When I look out my gigantic windows into the big stretch of driveway that goes from the house to the road, all I see is fog. As with many of the mornings here in Orangeville, the fog is so thick that sometimes the school bus can’t drive down the road because they can’t see where they’re going.
Living here has been the experience of a lifetime! I overcame my fear of children and realized how truly amazing they are. I got to ride a pony for a while and re-experience a sport from my past that I’ve always missed. I’ve learned how to find sanity in the unbearable silence of my own company. And, in the words of a wise woman, I’ve learned that “once you learn how to live, you can live anywhere.”
I celebrated my 30th birthday recently. It caused a couple of weeks of chaos for me. Funny how, in some cultures, people don’t even keep track of what year they are in. Wouldn’t that be amazing!
When I was 22 and entering into the music world, I told myself that I would go until I’m 30, then re-evaluate if I were to go back to school. Funny enough, I recently started investigating what I would need to do to get into med school. For a few days this month, I decided that I would make this happen and start a brand new chapter of my life. My family and friends seemed very excited. But as the days passed and I became more distraught. I started to question my reasons for this decision and they weren’t turning out to be solid. I love my chosen career. I get upset sometimes because it’s not always easy, and the pension plan is the pits : ). But it seems to be the path that I just can’t get off of. Everything I do always leads me back to this career for sanity’s sake.
I started to question the things I do and why I do them and I realized a few things.
I think, with my dependency on men and how I’ve always needed them to give me confidence in myself, I often mistake bad timing, or immaturity for personal rejection.
Funny how this was not the case. One of the main reasons why there were so many difficulties in my last two relationships was because I never accepted myself for who I am and what I do. Also, I chose men with the same weakness as me. The combination doesn’t make for anything good.
So, recently I’ve had many days of sitting still. I have no reason to race anywhere. I need to make sure all decisions are my own and for the right reason.
I know I had plans on dating myself for a while. I ended up cheating on myself with Brendan. It’s not like we got back together again because we didn’t. But he definitely had my heart and hope for a while again.
It hurts and it sucks. I’ve learned that “letting go” is virtually impossible if, in the back of your mind, you have plans to reunite later on. : )
Boy, I just read what I wrote and it made me laugh. Wouldn’t I be the perfect candidate for the book “The Idiot’s guide to creating a long, strung out, beating the dead horse break-up.”
I wish I wasn’t such a hopeless romantic. Today is a very realistic day. I don’t want to say I’ve given up on romance because that would be silly. I CAN say that I have a few doubts about it though. I had to call my mom and ask her about it…..being a single 63 year old, I don’t know if she was my best choice. : ) She didn’t know what to say, so she retold the entire content of a novel she had just read. The story was so long and convoluted that I was unable to make out what the point of it was. It was still a good story I guess. And we had a good laugh at how I no longer have to read the book for myself.
My mom has read so many books it’s ridiculous. It’s baffling what an interesting woman she is. She lives in her little “Hobbit House” in Lively. She laughs a lot, travels, and she’s a great friend to so many people. I find it hard to believe that someone wouldn’t just grab her up, love her, and make her companion forever. I asked her if she still believed that there is romance out there in the world for her. She wasn’t sure. She has doubts.
I’ve asked my angels to bring my mom romance.
So, back to my med school idea. I decided this is the worst possible time to change careers. I have spent seven years getting to the point I am now. I have found so many great and helpful friends. I have an entire album just waiting to be recorded. I would be a huge fool to stop right now. I can go back to school anytime or never. But right now is not the time. 30 or not 30. It’s just a stupid number anyway! And what kind of security am I really looking for? I have no one to take care of but myself right now. There are many people who would see me as lucky…..and I am. I’m glad to have made the decision. I knew it was coming for a whole year and I think it was bothering me.
This is a funny year where the chapters of my life are started and finished at a much faster pace than in other years. I find it hard to write in my journal because the changes are so quick. I realize that the time is soon to come when the chapters are much longer and less exhausting. The future is bright.
I’m okay really. It’s a grey day, but it’s relaxing because there are no decisions to make.
Posted by Angie at 11:13 AM


October 16, 2006
Here I am back from an amazing trip to Ottawa. I always love these Ontario Council of Folk Festivals (OCFF) gatherings. You get to meet and hear so many people. It’s very refreshing. When I first started going to these, I felt awful and intimidated, but inspired at the same time. It’s nice once you realize that we’re all just a little leaf on a big tree…and we’re all special and necessary.
I spent the week-end rooming with Lori Cullen and Janine Stoll (two awesome singer / songwriters). We are all single right now and we each had parallel feelings of sadness about it. It was nice to share with each other. I brought my book “Thoughts from the seat of the soul.” In our moments of weakness we would hold the book, ask it a question, and flip to any page and read a thought. It was dead-on so many times that since then, I’ve started to trust the book a lot more. It basically helps you to relax, meditate, and focus on your “authentic” self. Whatever it is about reading and thinking, it sure helps me out.
My authentic self….I think that’s who I’m in search of right now. I had a small episode last week. I went on a date. I came home early. Then I felt upset for two days. Finally, I started to question what was wrong. I realized that am still stuck in old habits with old insecurities that never seem to die. Brendan and I have encountered an issue of bad timing of which no one is at fault, but somehow, I manage to take it personally and feel rejected. So I decide that finding someone who likes me will help me feel better. Of course that is not the case. So, recently I’ve decided to start dating Angie Nussey exclusively for a minimum of six months. I really want to get to know her : ). There were a couple of times this week-end when I felt that since I’ve only been with her for a short time, I could probably get away with one little fling behind her back. Apparently not. (she’s quite possessive really) : ). I feel so much more at peace having made this decision. I need this time to focus on only me….otherwise, I’ll never make a good partner for anyone. We’ll see how it goes….
This is a sad week all round. Two of my close friends are dealing with difficult family losses. It really puts things into perspective doesn’t it?
Posted by Angie at 04:02 PM


October 08, 2006
thanks and giving
Wow,
This is Thanksgiving Sunday. I have somehow fandangled my life so that I will go nowhere today and I will celebrate this day with no one. It sounds like an awful thing to do… But I really need to be alone today to collect myself, to write emails, to play songs I would not play for anyone. I’m a bit sad. It’s a funny kind of sad though. Not bad, not good, just understandably there.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the past four months. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out other people, trying to forgive other people, and trying to become a better person. I always thought that being a good person meant being good to others. This is true, but what I realized this summer is that truly happy people are especially good to themselves. I’ve been reading about this for years and I’ve always agreed that I treat myself quite well. But I never really clued in to what it truly meant until mid-August. In mid-August, I went through a couple of days when I was extremely upset. But despite being upset, I would have momentary feelings of absolute relief. No guilt, no shame, only comfort. It freaked me out at first because I felt truly content with myself and I realized I’m not used to feeling that way. In fact, I don’t think I ever have felt that way until this time. I then started to have entire mornings of feeling this good. Then parts of the afternoon and so on. August 15th was the first full day of what I call “finding my self-respect.” I was sure it would leave me at some point, but it didn’t. It just seemed to stay there in my body, giving me comfort despite feeling sad. Since that time, it has stayed with me (aside from a few hours here and there).
Since August, many things have happened. Brendan and I got back together and found a way to communicate with each other. We have become so comfortable communicating and speaking honestly, that we have separated again…only this time, it’s for the correct reason and it’s on much more mature and loving terms. I’m at a point in my life where I love myself more than I will ever love any man. This means that, despite loving Brendan so much, I don’t feel secure in that relationship. This creates tension and makes me question my worth. I no longer will question my worth. Of course I feel sad and lonely, but I realize that these feelings are temporary. Perhaps, one day, Brendan and I will match up again on different terms. I don’t put a lot of hope on that because, for it to happen, Brendan would have to change and I’ve learned that you yourself are the only person able to change. No one will change for someone else.
There have been some insightful experiences that have occurred through all this.
A while ago, I went for a “spiritual journey” with my mom and a group of other women. We meditated together. The purpose of the meditation was to meet our guardian angel. I didn’t really believe an all that hulla balloo, but I went anyway and tried my best to meditate. At the very point in the meditation when the speaker said…”and this is your guardian angel”…..something happened to me. I felt warmth. Tons of it. I felt comfortable, relaxed, and safe. It was scary. When we finished, everyone was talking about their experiences and when I tried to tell them about mine, I started crying. I was so embarrassed….and I couldn’t stop. They told me that’s what happens when you’ve had a healing. They sent me home believing in angels and with a mantra to read as often as I can:
“I graciously accept good into my life
I am willing to release all fears of receiving love
It is safe for me to be loved and cared for
I deserve love and assistance.”
They told me to ask my angels for help whenever I need it and that you never have to worry that you will overwork them. Never ask them to do something negative because that energy will come back at you ten times worse. (I keep fearing that I’m going to get drunk and ask my angels to do something mean to someone : )
My mom ended up getting some reading material and some angel cards as well. We’ve had fun doing readings with each other and close friends.
The thing about reading Angel cards is that they sort of predict the future, but nothing is ever negative and, for the most part, they seem to give you a sense of yourself and they give you permission to trust your instincts.
Now, this all might sound like I’ve gone off the deep end. When I talked to my sister about the benefits of spiritual growth, she seemed to think I was becoming like every other religious group. I had to explain this further.
The way I see it is: Maybe there are no angels and no Fod (fate + god) and nothing beyond our skin, but there is definitely a power within us that is greater than all senses combined. It contains absolute truth and is ashamed of nothing. I so rarely trust myself to make the right decisions that I often end up obsessing over little things, or making rash decisions that don’t make sense. But then there have been times when I’ve made decisions without thinking. These times, I’ve not even known where my head is. I barely remember what I said, but I made the decision quickly and without question, for better or worse….and these decisions have been always been the right ones. My mind has always been cluttered with fear and anticipation of making a mistake. By believing that there is a greater power governed by love alone, I can relax and feel comfort. I can forgive myself for mistakes I’ve made and I can move forward and learn how to trust myself more. I look and listen for signs like never before. These could be signs from the angels, or they could be my sub-conscious, all-knowing self. But it makes no difference which one it is so long as I feel comfortable. No guilt. No shame.
….deep thoughts by Jack Handy (‘member those)…..
Anyway, on a lighter note. I won some awards at the Toronto Independent Music Awards this year!! I’m pumped about it!
I also met some new friends and got to chat with old friends too!!
I’m very excited about next week-end. I’m going to Ottawa for the OCFF conference. The Ontario Council of Folk Festivals conference is a once a year gathering of musicians and art directors / musical hosts etc. It is a time to meet people and perform and have a good time.
I’m traveling with my friends Janine Stoll and Lori Cullen. Most people stay in the same hotel on the “music” floor. All week-end long, you can go from room to room and hear different music. It’s really amazing. A lot of traveling acts don’t get to hang out together. I often feel rather alone in this business. It is nice to be among colleagues at least for a short time.
Home in Orangeville is interesting to say the least. I live with a mother and daughter (4 yrs), and sometimes a husband (he travels a lot for work) in an absolutely massive house on 14 acres of land. It didn’t take long to realize that this situation is only temporary for me. It was kind of a test to see if I truly wanted out of the city. And it was kind of an escape to reorganize and centre myself. It has provided everything I need. This week, I will be helping with the horses down the street. The woman I live with is a horse trainer and also kind of a horse whisperer. She’s really neat. I’m looking forward to hanging with her for a bit.
I have looked at other options as to where to live. I would like to find something fairly permanent…but I’m still not sure where. For some reason, every place that seems like it will come to be mine, ends up having these mysterious problems or blockades against them. I believe it’s my angels telling me to take time. Heal a little. The decision about where I want to be will be easy and comfortable….just be patient.
And that’s about it for this thanksgiving Sunday.
Boy, that was a mouthful wasn’t it!
angie
Posted by Angie at 01:46 PM


September 14, 2006
The winds of change
It’s been so long since I’ve written anything in my journal and I feel so out of touch. So many things have happened over the summer.
This summer was definitely the eye-opening summer that only comes every few years if any.
I have many friends to thank for offering their knowledge, kindness, and support.
Big thanks to Christy for the many hours spent on the phone. What an amazing team we turned out to be.
Thank you to thank Katie because without your wise words and peaceful understanding, I would never have arrived where I have. And not only do you support me on a friendship level, I love how much you have helped me with my career.
Erica, we had such a short time to hang out together but it was such a pivotal point for us both and I will be forever grateful for the days of rollerblading. I hope your knee isn’t scarred for life!!
Brian…as always…what a good friend you are.
Mellie, strength and power are what you have and give. What an amazing woman you are!
KK, Linds, Martin, and Alicia….I love you girls. I know we didn’t get to talk as much, but in the small amounts that we did talk, you helped me.
Next, there are some very special people who made this summer magical…..
Adam, Tavishe, Amanda, Matt, and friends, as well as Nicky, My little Flowers (especially Nathan). Derek, Liz, Ang, Jackie and friends…as well as Nigel and all the gang from Whelan’s Gate Irish Pub. You brightened all my Thursdays all summer long.
All the staff and Hugh and Greg from “The Crowsenest,” as well as my friends from the Grandview, Summer and Laura, the awesome girls from Marco Polo, and Danielle and Max….what an amazing time I had this summer. Each and every one of you had an impact on me in some way or another.
Robin, Kari, Ken, Kim, the rest of the staff and all the great people I met at “Rocky Raccoons” in Gore Bay…what a gem of a place to go all summer.
Then there’s 4280…thanks to the Lindsay, Lawrence, and the girls in white and especially to Mike for providing me with such an awesome place to stay!!
Mike, Dan, Harmony, Mitch, and all the rest of the awesome people from Sauble Beach. Thanks for introducing me to a whole new world!!
Julie and the great people from “Moonshine Café!” What a treat of a gig to play.
Big Mike and Heli from CFRM 101.1! You guys are both so easy to talk to and you make me look good on air….thanks for that!!
The wonderful friends I met on Amhurst Island.
There are so many more, but I will leave it at this for now.
I’m a thankful girl today.
Posted by Angie at 11:10 AM

August 15, 2006
Changes

Just came back from a week and half on the road and vacationing some. Played at Jeff Healey’s with “Zameer,” “Noella Choi,” and a band called “This.”
Awesome night and thanks for Dennis Mohammed and Chris Staig for the accompaniment.
This month has been CRAZY! Many changes and many gigs. Lots of adventures and many new friends.
As I mentioned in a previous journal entry, I had asked Fod (my new religious leader – Fate + God) for distraction to help me through this time in my life and he provided…not in the way I thought. My distraction was much different as Fod won’t allow me to find anyone attractive these days. But he will allow me to sit my ass in an inner tube at Sauble Beach on the hottest day of the summer and love every minute of it.…and he has allowed me to sleep on 5 different yachts in Gore Bay….he’s allowed me to meet a new friends, one of whom led me to a farm where people go to learn to become clowns….he’s allowed me to spend a lot of time with my mom…and finally, he gave me enough signs to know that it’s time for me to leave Toronto….even if only for a little while….it’s time to change the scenery.
And so, after six years, it’s time to leave Toronto.
I am moving to a farm outside of Orangeville.
Posted by Angie at 10:54 AM
July 28, 2006
Summertime thoughts
My friend, asked god or distraction in her time of weakness. She said that the very next day, three suitable bachelors asked her out on dates.
I thought, hmmmm, that sounds like it might be a good idea. So, I asked the kind, old fella for distraction too. So what he did was, he took any and all bachelors that I would be interested in, put them in a holding tank somewhere, and then filtered my calls so that all incoming calls would only be in regards to improving my life and career.
A few nights of passion would have sufficed, but I guess he saves that for a later time? : )
This is the first time I’ve been even close to financially stable in ten years.
Strange old bugger. My mom says god has a strange sense of humor. I now know what she’s talking about.
Yeah, I’ve gone to a different place spiritually recently. I’ve never believed in organized religion, but this whole greater power thing seems to make sense to me and give me comfort. It seems like a lot of people my age and younger think this way. The institute of the church doesn’t make sense, but the idea that we’re just here willy nilly without having to be plugged in doesn’t really fly either.
My friend, Kathryn, is truly sent from above. I stay with her when I go to Tobemory. She has a four month old baby with her wonderful husband, Dan. It’s funny, new mothers seem like they’re in a state of meditation. Mothers, in general seem to have a different glow about them, but new mothers often seem invincible and content even in the most difficult times. Just holding the wee little critter makes you forget all pressures around you. I can’t imagine how it feels to feed her from your own body and watch her grow and change every minute of every day. Kathryn sent me home with this book called “Thoughts from the Seat of the Soul” by Gary Zukav. Each page has a thought and I like to read a page and think about them. Here are a couple that of them:
“Look at yourself as someone who is reaching for healing, and at the complexity of what needs to be healed. Do not think that you exist alone without other human beings of equal complexity.”
“Forgiveness means that you do not carry the baggage of an experience.”
This has been a time when I’m very angry and confused. Friends and family often want to feed that anger because they feel like it will make me feel better about myself, but it only makes things worse. The more anger I feel, the less faith I have in the world altogether. The more helpless and useless I feel. I want to know that damage to my soul by others is not through direct maliciousness towards me, but caused by their own confusion. We all want people to understand us and to apologize to us if they’ve caused us harm. Some people can’t apologize because they don’t have the ability to view the world from any other perspective but their own. At one point, I thought that would be the ultimate way to live: guilt free. But I realize now, these people suffer more than most.
Posted by Angie at 10:44 AM


July 19, 2006
This summer has been unbelievably busy and fruitful!
I finally went down to no working at the gym at all.
The fateful part about it is: on the day that I was about to give my notice, I was getting ready to go and talk to my boss, when I get this phone call from a producer named Virgil Scott. He found me through a friend who had passed him a CD. We talked for a very short time and found a great understanding of each other. I explained what I’ve been doing the past couple of years and how things have changed over the past month. He then says “so what’s your final conclusion? Are you going to swim now or what?” I told him I am now ready to swim. So he says “well are you gonna swim with your lifejacket on”? I had no problem quitting my gym job after that. I can swim now. I’m glad for the lifejacket time because it helped me on all levels…but if there ever was a time when I should swim…I suppose it is now.
I have a meeting with him tonight. I don’t know if I want him to produce the next album or not, but I believe that people who can inspire you over the phone can often do it in person as well. I also sense that he will be a very good friend to me.
There’s a fire inside me now. It has been merely ashes for a very long time. It’s interesting and fun.
It’s kind of cool this new thing of doing whatever I want and it will not affect anyone but me. I feel like I can take more chances because it’s not going to bring anyone down. Security smurity. That’s what I say : ) And besides, what do I have to keep secure anyway?! My friends fully expect that if, in 25 years I have nowhere to live and nothing to show for myself, they are going to have to shack me up…and I’m bringing all nine of the cats I’m gonna own….ohhh yeah! At least I’ll have lots of stories to keep the kids entertained. : )
We all know I don’t mean that. I truly believe that I will end up just fine.
At the same time…being alone sucks in so many ways. Apparently, the benefits of it are amazing and many people suggest it. Someone told me today, that many women never get to truly understand themselves because they never get an opportunity like this…..I like to think that’s true. If anything, it makes me feel a little better.
The stinker is that I’ve been traveling to tourist towns all summer…Sauble Beach, Huntsville, Tobermory, Manitoulin Island. Do you know who goes to tourist towns? Couples and families, people who hold hands and play in the waves…people who rub each other’s backs as they are waiting in line ups OR young single people under 25. For a moment, I thought this was a spectacularly “in love” summer. But, I know that’s not true. People have always been like this….I just never noticed before….funny the things you notice with your new eyes on.
The ferry from Tobermory to Manitoulin Island and back is really, really fun….FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR! The rest of my time is usually spent curling up in a ball in a corner and trying not to barf. I’m going to try some ginger pills next time. The funny part is that my new friend, Robin (from Rocky Raccoon’s in Gore Bay) hooked me and my mom up on a boat for the night after playing a show. I had just recovered from the ferry ride…sleeping on a boat was the most romantic idea ever….if only I didn’t get seasick. So we sleep on the boat, then we jump on the ferry back to Tobermory…it’s been two days and I still feel like my head is heavy. Bummer because I love water so much. I’m going to investigate this a little more. Dad says to stop looking out the windows on the ferry. I didn’t even know I was looking out the windows, but I will certainly make an effort not to do that at all next time : )
Over and out.
Posted by Angie at 09:36 AM


July 12, 2006
The Love Life of Angie Nussey (Part 2): The ship re-routes.
All my life I’ve catered to (what I believed were) the wants that other people had for me….either out of guilt, or for acceptance, or because I thought that was how you make people love you.
I’ve been living in a cave for a long time with only peek appearances in the off season.
In July of my 29th year, I’ve started to undergo an extreme transformation.
There is a neat little person inside of me who hides behind of wall insecurities. Sure I’ve had phases of feeling self-confident and assured, but those only existed when I felt the unconditional love of my partner at the time. As soon as I felt the love getting weaker, back behind the wall I would go…back into molding myself into a person that would be more loveable to the person I was with. I’ve never really been without a boyfriend (or perspective boyfriend) since Dana Andrews when I was 15. My level of confidence has always been dependant on the amount of confidence my boyfriends have had in me. I think of my years with Tim, and before that, Steve. I remember feeling like I could own the world. (I will have to call them and thank them). But I ended those relationships before having to truly commit to them on an emotional level…before allowing myself to become vulnerable.
It was Brian who taught me how to have a lasting and loving relationship. He taught me how to work through my fears and allow myself to be vulnerable. Nonetheless, the self-confidence issue still existed, so when times got rough and I felt less loved, back I went behind that wall. Brian was a king in my eyes. He could do no wrong….
He truly loved me, but it became hard for him to love someone who wasn’t their true self. And so the downward spiral began…me-less myself…him-less in love. It got to the point when I could not look in the mirror at myself without feeling wretched. It was a very confusing time. I cried a lot. I hated him, then felt guilty because I knew he had a good heart. Brian didn’t know what to do. You can’t suddenly change the way you feel about someone after a year of watching them lose themselves.
Finally (after months and months) I woke up and thought “I’m definitely worth more than this, and if you can’t see it, I will find someone who can.” I set up Bob Seger’s “Roll me away” on repeat and within a day, I could feel my body starting to tingle with confidence again. I walked taller, I sang better, things started making sense. I felt strong because I had finally made a decision of my own. In the weeks to follow, Brian became confused. He could see me feeling confident again and he remembered why he fell in love with me in the first place: because I loved myself. I tried to go back, but, by this time, it was much too late, too much damage had been done. My mind was made up.
So there I was in this amazing new state…taking back the power…riding the horse…holy smokes, look what I can do….and who walks into my life years too soon? Brendan.
Brendan was one of very few men that I could actually feel the electricity between us. I had known and admired him for years. He was (in my eyes) the best apple on the tree. Strong, gentle, playful, kind, and the most beautiful thing I’d ever laid eyes on. I went for him fearlessly as though I deserved nothing less. In our first night out, we had planned to talk about ways he could help my music career, but before we even got out of the car I had outright told him that my interests didn’t lie in what he could do for my career, but in him as a person. I was confident and (I thought) ready to move on. I had nothing to lose. Brendan was quick to go for me. He loves strong woman who take control. But old habits don’t die easily and despite the return of my confidence and independence, I didn’t really give it a chance to root itself. My relationship (as I see it) with Brendan had two fatal flaws: 1) I never allowed myself enough time to re-root after Brian, and 2) Despite his tremendous strength, Brendan had a fear of commitment on an emotional level. His state was quite similar to my fear loving someone and allowing myself to be vulnerable…the way I was before I was with Brian.
So what happens? I start feeling slightly less wanted, so the real Ang starts hiding out and only releasing the parts of myself that I think Brendan would want to see: tough, not expressing my feelings, trying not to care when he’s late with a phone call, acting like small things don’t hurt me….Ahhh but nothing would really hurt me if I had stayed as my initial independent, confident self….ahhh, but the person I’m with can’t express his feelings for me and, not only that, my behavior makes him draw away even further the more I can’t be myself. And so the downward spiral churns.
I became VERY depressed and blamed it on all other things in my life. How could I be my true, vulnerable self and tell him how I felt…that’s not (what I assumed) he would want to hear? He will love me less and that’s not what I want. Finally, the same depressed, rejected feelings as with Brian start filtering in. I start feeling angry towards Brendan. I think “I can’t ever get to the low point that I did when I was with Brian.” The Sirens go off for a couple of weeks until Brendan gives me two final phrases that push me over the edge. I then throw myself out of the Tornado like an uprooted tree. Sad, sore, and alone.
Luckily I landed on my side but with my roots dangling in the most amazing soil. Within weeks, I had a network building. There are people out there who are willing to share their stories with me. I cried so many tears, I wondered if I could fill a bathtub. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach….ten times a day.
Instantly, I began searching for a replacement boyfriend. I was still certain that I would not feel confident without the love of a man. But, in the meantime, I started thinking more, roller- blading, boxing, running, writing, reading, learning, hiking, searching for sense. I started to be a little more wild. I rode on the back of a really fast motorbike (don’t tell my parents : )). I discovered some of the things that make me feel really happy. So far my favorite of all is to lie in bed on a hot day and read. I’ve made new friends, and I’ve spent more time listening to them. I hear music differently now…funny how that goes. Contrary to my worry that if I was alone I wouldn’t feel attractive, I feel much more attractive than I have in years. I love where I’m at in my life. I love the career I’ve chosen and where it’s gone and where it’s going. I no longer feel the need to prove to Brian that I’m a strong enough musician, or to Brendan that I’m a strong enough business woman. Neither of these men ever said otherwise, but, for some reason, I still thought they were disappointed in me. You can never truly achieve the things you want if you’re busy trying to prove yourself to other people.
I went on three dates. On the third one, I noticed something strange happen. My date had merely mentioned something small about how he pays attention to table manners. I suddenly found myself watching my manners. I suppose I (sub-consciously) assumed he would like me better that way. When I got home, I realized that I really do have a pattern. I can’t be with someone else until I figure out who I am, what I like, what I want, and what kind of table manners I really have : ) I no longer make dates with anyone except my friends. Boyfriends can wait…and if they can’t, then I’m better off alone…and they’re better off without me.
I believe that there are times in your life when you need someone to be close to you and to guide and influence you to get to a better place. And then there are times when you can only grow if you are on your own. I’m an uprooted tree that has been relocated by a Tornado. My friends and my experiences are helping me to re-root and start growing upright again. I know it will take time, but I have lots of that. Every day is a new adventure for me. I enjoy waking up more than ever before. I’ve become much more spiritual believing that nothing is coincidence. Fate seems to have brought me to this point. There’s some business that needs taking care of.
I asked Brian if we could disconnect musically for a while. He was disappointed, but he understood. In this next portion of my path, I need to make decisions on my own without his influence.
Deep down, I can’t say I don’t secretly hope that my path will meet up with Brendan’s again one day when we have both grown. Many people laugh at this notion, and maby I will too someday….but something about this relationship truly felt like home to me (despite its frailty). I’ve always been a hopeless romantic…I can’t change THAT. But I now trust in a power that’s beyond what I can control. Our paths are convoluted, but they’re always going in the direction they are supposed to…
It feels good to relax.
Posted by Angie at 06:55 PM

May 16, 2006
the face maker
Cranky Ang.

I've developed this new thing recently. I haven’t been sleeping well so my patience for anyone or anything has become very low. I’m not one to lash out about things (except to those who are close to me...bummer). So, anyway, instead of saying things such as "that's the most annoying thing I've ever or heard," or "I think you are a complete and utter idiot." I turn my back and make a face. It's quite a good release really. Sometimes I cross my eyes and stick my tongue to one side. I'm not a huge fan of this phase. I blurt out the wrong expressions at the wrong times. I was talking to my dad a couple of days ago and he told me he met on old family friend at the store and I replied with a totally out of context "WOW!!" I laugh hysterically at "The family guy," but moments later, I cry hysterically about anything...or nothing. I can fall asleep anywhere and at any time and lately I'm experiencing a lot of nightmares and sleepwalking. I worry that I'm going to sleep walk right out of my house. I seem to wake up just as I open the door. Imagine if I started leaving the house. I'd have to arrange for some sort of zapping device like they put on dogs to prevent them from leaving the property : )

I talk about this lightly because it's all going to change again soon, and, to be honest, I think I truly needed this experience. It was eye-opening.

So in two weeks, I start working only two days at the gym. I'm still glad to be working here part time. It has helped me so much. So all I have to do is get through this week and next, and all will be well again.

The cost of sanity. That's what I've been thinking about lately. How much is sanity worth?

Brendan got a new job recently. I'm happy for him because it seems to be something he really wants and enjoys. I worry that our lifestyles are going to be become unbalanced. They were unbalanced to begin with, but this seems to be showing a much more extreme difference. I'm sure these thoughts are compounded by the great misunderstandings of the very cranky Ang. But I wonder if the tired and weak phases reveal more truths because you lose the ability to suppress them. You lose the ability to hide emotions and to control thoughts. This is not the time for formation of theories. I’m learning to be a little more patient with my theories and assumptions as they are quite often incorrect : ). Unbalance in more than one place can sometimes be a good thing…will put this one to the back of my mind for a while.

deep thoughts by cranky Ang.

I'm at work right now...watching the seagulls fight over a piece of pizza and the people walking by at a fast pace with umbrellas covering their freshly done hair. I hope they all have something to look forward to. I hope they don't turn around and make stupid faces after talking to me....the seagulls I mean...I'm talking about the seagulls.

My friend at the gym talked to me for a long time about the benefits of meditation. I think that will be my next undertaking. This man is so wonderful and you can just feel the peace within him when he's around. I'd like to obtain that peace.

Brendan, Brian, and I went to Janine Stoll's house last night for supper. It felt like a Seinfeld episode. I've been trying to arrange for Brian and Janine to meet for quite a long time. I've always felt that they would like each other. It just seems so "Toronto" to set up your ex-boyfriend by organizing a double date with your current boyfriend.

I'll leave you with that tidbit.
Posted by Angie at 03:50 PM


April 20, 2006
Lifestyle
Ahhhh,
Lifestyle change to suit the current situation.
If you have to get up at 5:30am. You need to go to bed before 10:00pm. If you need to perform at night after work, you need to sleep from 3:30 – 6:30pm. The lessons you learn as you’re cracking up.
Things are getting better.
What have I found at the boxing gym?: Friends; inspiration; motivation; confidence; certainty; physical and mental strength; a sense of purpose. I sound like an advertisement for the gym : )
Every day that goes by, I realize why fate needed to bring me here at this time. Every day, I talk to people and I gather up new stories. Each person has a different battle. Some of them are unbelievably sad, some of them are extremely personal. There are very few people who come here and work out for esthetic reasons only. I notice that, in general, most people who come here have a positive outlook. They don't complain about much. The definitely see a brighter side to life.
I was talking to a friend yesterday who started his own business. He started talking about the fine line between stupidity and perseverance. While you are persevering, others will often frown upon you and say that you are stupid. Inevitably you will succeed...at which point those same people will say that you persevered.
This experience was meant for me at this time. I might as well embrace it. I feel lucky.
P.S. I can’t believe there’s no “r” in persevered. All this time I’ve been saying “perservered.” How could it have taken this long? Damn all those people for not correcting me!
ang
Posted by Angie at 08:19 AM
April 18, 2006
secrets
april 18, 2006

I knew I was over my relationship with Brian when I changed all my email passwords. Up until then, I always used his name (no, “Brendan” is not my new password : ). It was something that no one else knew about (except maybe Lindsay). Lately, I'm finding that the more little secrets I have for myself, the more comfort I find. I'm not having the best time with these early mornings....and this job. I think, as of today, I'm officially back on the coffee. I start to feel happier just as the warm, Coffee Time, paper cup touches my lips in the morning. The darkness in my mind starts to clear. What a great drug that coffee is.

So, yeah, back on the secret thing. According to my numerology chart, this is a year that is meant for personal growth. Some sort of centering. It's funny, but it really does feel like such a year. I think the centering comes when you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. When you don't need to apologize for being yourself. There have been many moments over the last few weeks when I have wanted to call my mother, or my friends, to tell them about my life so that I could get verification that I'm okay. But I have refrained. I want to be okay without verification from anyone.

Poor Brendan. I think I've officially become his "crazy" girlfriend.

ang
Posted by Angie at 08:07 AM

April 12, 2006
good morningzzzzz

I have an early morning issue. I always have. I feel quite insane from 6:30am - 9:30am and then it all sort of lifts. It's 7:54am right now.

Here's the problem ( I think): I know that this job is only temporary, but I can't seem to remember that in the early hours of the morning. It's this funny, mind battle. My dark side says: This is where you are and you will be here forever...mooooahahahahahah! My true self says: (yawn) ahh, no you won't, it's only temporaryyyyzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz....what, yeah, yeah, I'm awa...zzzzz." This has always been a problem for me. When I worked in insurance, I remember having to push back the tears of frustration while riding the subway at 8:00am. I haven't gone to that extreme here at the gym. Probably because it would truly be embarrassing since the people who come here in the a.m. are here because they want to be. It's quite inspiring really. I've been here for three weeks and I already see bodies changing and improving. It makes me think that I might get up early and ride my bike around the city before I get to work in the morninzzzzz ....zzzzz. YEAH RIGHT!!

My new keyboard has been a little frustrating. I realize how technologically unadvanced I am. There are three manuals for the keyboard and I've had them spread across my bed every night...and I still can't save my songs!! I might have to go to keyboard school : )

Even though it's still not 9:30am yet, I feel a little bit of the darkness lifting a little...ah...ah...wait. False alarm....it was just gas...just kidding. I'm so tactless.

Hey, there's some good news looming. There is going to be a documentary done on four female singer / songwriters and I'm one of them! This is exciting!!
Posted by Angie at 07:56 AM
April 07, 2006
The cell phone
April 7, 2006

I can’t believe the changes that have occurred in my lifetime, and I can’t believe how much I sound like my parents! But really! I don’t have a land line anymore. The freedom of being able to give and receive calls anytime and practically anywhere has changed everything for me. The old tensions of not being able to find someone in a crowd of people, or if you’re late, or lost, or scared….there are so many practical reasons for being mobile. I find it fascinating that much of the younger generations will never know the stresses of not having a cell phone, and in the odd times when they don’t have one, they will probably undergo much higher levels of stress than people like me, who have used many a pay phone. I suppose this sounds very urban, but even in my hometown, most people have a cell phone. So the question is: when is there going to be a cell phone book? It’s no longer possible to find people! There should be one! I miss it.
Posted by Angie at 07:55 AM

March 27, 2006
Boxing in and dogs out
All things have settled down again.

What a crazy, but interesting month! I gave up the dog walking job on the tenth day of working there. I miss the dogs. They were awesome! As for the job....I can't begin to explain how bad it was for me. I worked for a company (can you believe these companies can even exist ?!!) There was way too much driving of my car in downtown Toronto, and lots of time spent talking to no one but the dogs. On top of that, the money was really bad and I came home mentally and physically exhausted every day. (Not exactly forwarding the plan of working an easy job and recording the next album)

So here I am at the Bloor Street Boxing Gym! I started here last Monday. Unfortunately I was still walking the dogs last week, so it made for some pretty long days. But the end remark is that I LOVE the gym job and I probably wouldn't love it so much had I not had the dog job. Funny how everything works out. Tension and release.

No, I have no intentions of ending my career in music. I just need a change right now. I need to rest the voice and to relearn how to use it.

Today, I get to go to Long and McQuade to pick up my new keyboard!! I've wanted this for over two years, so I'm a little excited!

Things are good with Brendan. I don't get to see him much, so the times that I do get to see him are like having a box of truffles and knowing you get to eat them all. : )

My living accommodations are pretty funny right now. I hear one my roommates shuffling around at 4:00am (he's a musician too), and I think to myself: I will be getting up in 1.5 hours. I used to go to bed at that time!! Funny thing though, it's not too bad. I bike to the gym and Toronto looks pretty cool at 6:00am.

What an adventure this life is.

Better go, I'm actually at work right now : )Main points of the job: Be nice to people and get in shape. That doesn't sound too bad now does it?

Angie
Posted by Angie at 09:10 AM

 
March 04, 2006
dogs
Guess what the dog walking job is? A nightmare!
Yeah you heard me. It’s a nightmare.
I still love dogs, but walking thirteen of them a day…..not so much.
Live and learn : )
Yesterday I walked this dog that really didn’t like being on a leash. She fussed for half an hour about it. It was frustrating. Finally, she gave up and stopped fussing. Is that what we do in our own lives? Do most of us end up leashed in the end no matter how hard we fight it?
I’m disappointed and a little down. Wish I wasn’t so sensitive.
Disappointments often introduce new opportunities…..everyone hold on to you hats….you never know which way she’s going next….
ang
Posted by Angie at 06:46 PM


February 23, 2006
today
Here I am checking my email…listening to my NEW MP3 PLAYER!! Yeah, you heard me…I just bought an MP3 player and I’m so excited about it that I’ve been listening to it despite the awesome stereo player I have on my computer. I love this thing….I can record on it too!!
I must explain that I’ve been jogging with the walkman I bought seven years ago. I usually don’t feel like wrestling around trying to find tapes. So I’ve been listening to the same tape for about three years ( I don’t jog that often : ). It’s a tape my boyfriend (at the time) made for me. He was a DJ. So I listen to songs like: “a little bit of Monica in my life…a little bit of Sandra by my side….etc.” I can’t go on…it’s too embarrassing. When I go to the gym, I get to upgrade to my Discman since it won’t skip when I’m on the elliptical machine. I’ve noticed MP3 people roaming around at the gym and I can see how happy they are that they have one. I want to be happy too, so I bought one…and it worked!! I feel like a kid who got the best gift ever!
Every day is so different to me lately. I’ve been enjoying music and performing so much more than before. I went to an open jam with Derek Downham on Tuesday. Met some great people. Had a fantastic time. Remembered how fun it is to jam.
I’ve been learning Irish songs for St. Paddy’s day with Brendan. I can’t get some of them out of my head. I really like them.
Off to watch my friends, Sarah and Jeff from “Rings of June” tonight at the “Kathedral.”
Overall I’m quite content. Whew…that’s a nice thought. It's so easy to relax when I know I will be making money on a regular basis for a while. I'm not fretting about booking gigs for May and calculating what I need to get me by. It sounds so small, but after a while, it can be taxing.
Dog walking training starts on Monday. Five full days of it…can you imagine…”now you pick up the poo with your right hand, and you hold Butch, Growler, Shaddow, Sabrina, Fluffy, Murphy, and Skipper with your left hand…let’s try that again…now don't let fluffy near the poo or she'll eat it...”
Over-and-out
angie
Posted by Angie at 05:57 PM


February 18, 2006
Patty, Ginny, and Frank.
Patty, Ginny, and Frank are three people who have truly inspired me!! I love to be around people who make you feel great. Last night, I played at “The Office” on Bloor St. “The Office” is a sports bar and sometimes when there’s a hockey game on, I don’t play very much at all. Other times, the crowd will be full of young, open minded people….you just never know what you’re going to get at that bar. If it wasn’t for Patty, Ginny, and Frank, last night would have been what I call a “no-clapper.” The crowd is full of good people, but they are not really there to see live music. If you get three happy clappers, it usually carries over onto everyone else…and sometimes people sub-consciously clap when they hear other people. It’s actually funny to watch. Anyone who’s ever played the scene knows what a “no-clapper” is. I believe that if you play 10 dud shows in a row, you will quit performing in public all-together, but you only need to play 5 no-clappers and you will do the same. No-clappers can suck the life out of you surprisingly fast.
I am a much happier performer lately because I know that I don’t have to play if I don’t want to. I know I have a dog walking job starting in a week and I don’t need to make money as much as a did before. It’s such a wonderful relief. It makes me wonder why I didn’t do this sooner. My plan is to wean myself off of all cover gigs. It’s my music or bust…we’ll see how this goes.
I’m very excited to play in Guelph tonight. I haven’t been there in almost a year! I can’t believe I played at Van Gogh’s Ear every Monday night for five years!! How does that happen?
I’m also very excited to go to Guelph to eat the Three Bean Burrito at the Cornerstone restaurant! Mmmmmmm my favourite!!
Big changes are taking place and I’m scared and uncomfortable right now. I leave most things to fate and I try to read the signs that the universe puts out to me…but I still worry that I’m reading all wrong….my biggest fear is to regret a decision. I suppose regret is only a state of mind. I can’t wait until the fear and discomfort are gone. Maybe I worry that the discomfort will come while I’m dry-heaving over a big pile of dog crap that I’m going to have to transfer from the ground into a plastic bag : ) Yeah, that’s most likely my problem.
I also have an embarrassing worry: I worry that I will not be successful enough in the eyes of the people I love. I worry that I will be less attractive if I amount to nothing more than a dog-walker who plays music now and then. This worry carries over into family as well. I know it’s absurd, but I worry that I will disappoint my family if I don’t obtain a certain degree of success. So I have to wonder….why do I want to be so “successful?” Is it for myself, or is it because I want to seem more attractive and I feel like success will make me that way in the eyes of other people? I don’t really need a lot of money to be happy. I don’t need fame. I’m starting to wonder how truly simple I am. I love to play and create music…and I LOVE to sing, but I’m questioning my motive for success in that area. I suppose that this new life I’m creating will centre me enough to realize what it is that I truly want for myself. My dad said today that I’ve been paddling for so long, I need to take time to steer the boat.
Let’s talk dads for a moment.
Dad’s can be so funny. My dad is not really the sensitive type. When I’m having an emotional crisis, he’ll usually call me every day and talk about the weather and his sailboat…then if things get really bad, he’ll send me a card with 50 bucks in it. Emotional breakdowns seem to make him uncomfortable, but he gives his support in the only way he knows how…and I love him for it. I remember having a problem with one of my teachers at school and my dad said “that teacher is an idiot and you can’t get mad at her for it…would you kick a dumb dog just because he’s dumb?” My dad uses phrases like “thems the breaks” and “you gotta keep on truckin’.” When Brendan and I were going through a break up in December, my dad said “that’s too bad that you’re breaking up with him, he was a natural pilot.” (My dad flies a little, two seat, Cesna 150) Then, he proceeded to say “thems the breaks” and “you gotta keep on truckin’,” followed by a phone call every day and a $50 bill in the mail. Dads are AWESOME.
Gosh, it’s freezing in my house and outside too!! We all knew it was coming, but we complain about it just the same.
Over-and-out
From
The dry-heaving-dog-poo-pick-up-lady.
Posted by Angie at 02:27 PM


February 16, 2006
Early Mornings
Here I am at 9:04am. I woke up at 7:00am this morning….I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I wake up before 8:30 almost every day. I wonder if it’s a late twenties thing? I can barely keep my eyes open past midnight. I hope I can make it through the next couple of nights of shows….maybe they will be enough shock to my system to reverse my early night, early morning routine…
Enough about that.
Times are changing again. I’ve had such a great time playing at “Café in the Woods” on Manitoulin Island, then St. Andrews church on the big grand piano…then the Rivoli with all the girls last Thursday….I’ve been spoiled! Spoiled to the point of never wanting to play another cover song gig again. And so I’ve decided to take a step back from that scene for an indefinite period of time. I have a gap that I’ve been struggling to bridge for quite a while. I want to play “songwriter” venues only. This is a great career move, but a scary financial move. So here’s what I’ve decided to pursue…if fate will have it: I shall walk dogs. Yeah you heard me. My temporary new goal in life is to walk dogs…and get paid for it. Ha! Who’d ever think that was possible? I plan to perform only when it best suits me. In other words…no more singing for my supper. We’ll see how this goes after a few weeks of cleaning up dog poo and bandaging blisters….maybe singing for my supper won’t seem so bad.
February has always been one of the worst months for moods. Most of my life-altering decisions have been made in February. I wonder if it is because the things that bother me in other months become really unbearable in February because I’m more depressed?
Depression: this is a topic that has come up recently. When I think of all the horrible things in the world and how easy I have it in my little Canadian bubble, it’s embarrassing that I would ever get depressed. But I do, and I believe that everyone does…some more than others of course. I realized how frail my mind was in my late teens. I would booz up too much and then wonder why it took four days to get my mind together again. My mom says I was like this from a very early age. My highs are really high and my lows are really low. Aside from my close friends and roommates, not too many people see the low times because I usually hide out until they are gone. I’ve learned all the tricks for fast recovery: No booz unless I’m completely stable, clean room, exercise, no talking to toxic people, write and talk about it, and eat lots of healthy food. The St. John’s Wart and other teas can make for small improvements as well.
Speaking of craziness…
Brendan and I almost broke up last week. You know when you misunderstand something and then it quickly snowballs into a huge deal and you can’t stop thinking about it? That’s what happened. Not sure why I run for the hills every time this happens. It’s a very brave thing to love someone completely. Pride is such a frail thing for me. Sometimes I would rather hurt my heart now, rather than hurt my heart and my pride later. I wonder where that comes from? I’ve been with Brendan for almost a year, but it still feels like the beginning sometimes. We’ve spent less time together in one year than some couples spend in one month together. I have learned a lot about relationships over the past year. I realize my pattern of always thinking of the end rather than working things out. I’m thankful Brendan has become such a rock in my life. He tells me I have no more break-up and get-back-togethers left. He runs a tight ship that one : ) This new phase in our relationship is an interesting one. More trust. Less insecurity. It’s good. It’s really good.
EEEEEk
I just got a call from the dog walking company! I just got the dog walking job! Hellooo dog poo and blisters! Good bye gigs that are not fulfilling! Helloooo to the new keyboard I’ve been wanting to buy!
Posted by Angie at 02:18 PM


January 15, 2006
Jim Zeppa and Ronnie Hawkins
I don’t think I’ve talked about Jim Zeppa enough yet. I met Jim over the phone prior to the Toronto Independent Music Awards. He was in charge of the stage…as well as lot of other jobs relating to TIMA which I found out later.
I liked him from the start. He was a smart, no nonsense man.
He was one of those people who looks exactly the way they sound on the phone.
We got along very well together. In a very short time, I knew he was a man of substance and I appreciated that.
Prior to TIMA, Linds and I had been talking about retiring her as my manager since she was too busy for the task. It was an easy separation with no hard feelings.
It must have been a month after TIMA when Jim called to ask what I’ve been doing with my music and career. I explained me situation and after a very short time, we both realized that we could work together.
It took a couple of months of daily calls and weekly visits before we could comfortably
call Jim my manager.
Since that time, I’ve been feeling stronger and better about everything. Jim could see more reality in my dreams than any other person I’ve known before (other than my Mamma). He’s taught me to have more control and to express myself. He’s become a great, great friend.
Jim’s been in the music business “seven years longer than I’ve been alive,” so he says,….and you can tell. He’s worked with numerous artists, but he’s only ever managed one band. He said he’d never manage again….but we’ve changed all that : )
Anyway, recently Jim was helping to run a concert at Massey Hall for Ronnie Hawkins and he brought me back stage to see the show. It was the first time when I could honestly say “I could play this stage.” I was nervous just watching because it suddenly made me see a reality I had never seen before. I felt like a small child. The first words out of Ronnie’s mouth when he saw me were “What are you doing after the show?” I think this is one of two lines that have come out of Ronnie Hawkins’ mouth that I will remember forever.
A few weeks later, Jim says “we’re going for supper at Ronnie’s on Tuesday, does that work with you?”
What!? Yes, of course that works for me! What kind of fool do you take me for : )?
So we go out to Peterborough and eat supper with Ronnie Hawkins, his wife, son, 7 dogs and two cats. Five ( or maybe six, I couldn’t keep track) of the dogs were Chihuahua’s. Some of them were wearing sweaters. It was really cute. The minute I walked into that house, I felt at home. It was such a comfortable place to be.
Now, I went on this visit with the notion that Ronnie was a stubborn, old, pervert…but I was so totally wrong! I LOVED him! It was impossible not to. He’s so aware of everything going on in the world, and he jokes dirty, but he’s actually a very kind and respectful guy…I hope I don’t blow his cover. I told him about my career and the ups and downs I have sometimes. We talked about his daughter who is in the same position as I am right now with her musical career. Then he said my next favorite line: “ This business is not for Sissy’s.” That sums it up doesn’t it?
Anyway, I’ve learned a lot by visiting Ronnie Hawkins and I’ve learned a lot since working with Jim Zeppa. I’m thankful for my great adventures!
Topic Change:
I can’t believe that PC party is going to win the election! Well, I guess I can believe it…I just fear it….not that I wanted the Liberals to win…I never liked that swarmy Paul Martin….
I share a lot of the same views as the NDP, but I can’t stand to watch Jack Layton for more then one minute.
I’m voting for the Green Party. I know they don’t have a chance of winning, but I would love to see them have a stronger voice in the House of Commons….who knows…maybe one day they will win….just imagine that!!
What’s this world coming to? It’s just so hard to tell….
Topic Change again:
On Friday, I had a crazy gig with a lot of drunk young ones doing drunk young one things. It was a near nightmare, but it turned out alright in the end.
Randy, Jen, Anna, Vicki, and, of course, Dustin were such big support to me. I’m thankful you were there. You’re gonna get the good seats for sure!!
Last night I played in Port Dover and I was so thankful to see all my old friends. I really feel a sense of belonging in that town. Big thanks to Mike for getting me that hotel room, and to Jackie for helping to contact Mike. You guys are awesome. You’re gonna get the good seats for sure too!! See you in a month!
nighters
ang
note to self: must talk about Brendan and my long-visitation experiment : )
Posted by Angie at 10:43 PM


January 12, 2006
After Christmas stuff
I’m listening to the most beautiful song by my friend Richard Laviolette. Here are some lines from it:
“You think life is tough well, shit, get over it.
There’s nothing that we’re not all going through.
Chances are most people that I sing this for
Are much worse off than you…so don’t take life for granted”
I’m going through a phase right now and I could use the lines of that song on myself.
It’s the late January into February phase. It’s that time when you start to forget that there is ever warm weather. It’s that flaky, dry skin, permanently cold hands time of year.
Christmas was alright this year. It seems that a lot of people don’t enjoy the Christmas holiday. There’s so much family running around, tons of cooking and cleaning, and not enough one on one time with the ones you love. My family is not very big, and we have a brand new baby in the family which changes a lot of things. Nonetheless, I spent a lot of this Christmas feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
Prior to the Christmas visit, Brendan and I had a very difficult two weeks together. Remarkably, we resolved the issue. It’s amazing how easily problems can be resolved when both people are hoping for the same outcome. Despite my negative thoughts about marriage, my married friends tell me that problems become much less dramatic when you’re married because you know you’re going to stay together no matter what happens. You promised to do so. I wonder how true that is and how different it would be for the many people who are dating. When you’re dating, there’s still that fine chance that you will split…and it sort of hangs in the air whenever problems arise. I suppose it happens in marriage as well, but I’m not sure if it’s the same thing.
Anyway, during the two weeks of difficulties there were many calls made to the family for advice and support. So, when I went home at Christmas, I felt really exposed and judged. I felt like everyone knows me as this emotional, dramatic, vegetable eating, green party supporting, tree-hugging, rice milk drinking, dream chasing freak. It bothered me. You know why? Because I am all of those things. All I need to do now is be comfortable with it. I don’t have to get upset at what my family thinks of me. They love me and want me to be happy. Now that I’m back in T.O, I see everything differently. I find it hard to believe I could fall into that old attitude again. Some people say it only gets better as you get older. The things that matter to you change completely. I’m looking forward to it. Thinking that way is not healthy.
Sooo, next topic of discussion….there comes a time in every rock star’s career, when they think about becoming a professional dog walker. Okay maybe not, but it’s something I’ve been considering. Last night at one of my regular gigs, I had a great beginning. My friends were there: Anna, Jen, Randy, Dustin, and Vicki, but despite their good vibes, I still had a moment. It happened after I had to ask someone to turn the TV down….and after I had to kick two, drunk idiots off the stage for trying to sing a song on my microphone and nearly destroying my guitar. I thought “how much longer will I have to deal with this?”
It’s not that I don’t want to perform and write songs….because, believe me, I do. I’m just patiently working towards a time when all my gigs are like the one coming up at Boccone in Toronto, or the one at St. Andrews church in Sudbury. Gigs where people pay money to come in and they love to hear new music. It may not be that far away…especially now that I have Jim Zeppa on board as my manager, I just hope that the “cross-over” time is not too long. My patience is a little short at this point.
Different topic time.
I realized, recently, that I can’t remember how to spell the word “their.” I’ve been mixing up the “i” and the “e” as though I’m in grade one or something. I noticed that when I spell it incorrectly in word perfect, it automatically corrects itself. I never asked it to do this and although it’s a nice gesture, it makes me look like an ass when I misspell it on my emails.
Next topic.
Christmas vs. Happy family week.
Some people argue that our yearly holiday should no longer be called “Christmas” vacation since so many people don’t follow the Christian faith anymore. This was a touchy subject with my very religious mother at Christmastime. It took some time to convince her that I’m not some sort of devil-worshipper. The truth is that I don’t care what they call the Holiday, it’s been called “Christmas” for a long time, so to change it would probably upset people. But the truth is, I love the fact that the topic has been brought up. I love the way the world is becoming aware of differences and changes. There might be people on the fence about their religion, and what better way to say, hey, there are a lot of different religions for you to choose from. And the people feel so strongly about it that they considered renaming Christmas!! Can you believe it?
There’s my two cents.
Must remember to talk about Ronnie Hawkins in my next journal.
Posted by Angie at 09:51 PM